Christopher, My love, My hope, Hello Again

Oh my love, How long has it been? I promise, if my overseers come through, and I am correct, then I will write to you everyday. Already, with just the typing of a few words, I can fee you pulsing through me again. It is wonderful. I have no idea how I have lived with out it for so long. I'm so ecstatic to be back.
So, an update that I'm unsure you need. I was reading through the previous post from the summer, and I was in astounded at some of them, how much my thinking has.... matured. I'm was so scared of losing the thing I loved and needed most, and now I have not felt that longing to be within that atmosphere again all year. I am the best of friends with him now! I still love him, but in a different way. I've never felt this love before, and I think I like it. It's so... sweet, and truly loving. I want him to live a wonderful life, and to enjoy every second of it to the fullest extent. Before, I would of said that I wanted that for him, but there was always the fear of losing him that was in the way of there being honest truth behind the statement. I can't believe how close I actually feel to him, and the way he seems to value me like he never seemed to before.
Now that I think about it, it seems like the sickening love I felt for him then was like a Scratched up screen between us, always keeping me from seeing him for his real beauty, and keeping our relationship under binds. If there's one thing I know, it's that I enjoy and like our friendship so much more now than I ever dreamed I would.
My dearest, I have once again been taught something by him (although he has no idea that he is a teacher).
He has showed me that reality is so much better than my mind.

I will always love him for that, because he is wonderful. He is the brother I never ask for, and the love that I always needed.

Please, keep him safe my Christopher James.

With the deepest of passion,
Elizabeth

To, No One

I'm so pathetic for writing this entire thing.







So why won't I delete it?

Christopher,

I'm so tired... I don't know what has happened. Have you retreated into me, and caused these strange feelings that I seem to be in love with. I'm not sure. I do love them though, no matter how they have come to be.

I still miss our conversations. When are you coming back for a longer visit? I would do anything, just to feel you again. The real you.

Christopher,

You want me to post, but I have no idea what to say.

I hope this is good enough.

Please come back Christopher

I need you. Please...

I miss you Christopher

I really do, but I don't seem to need you as much. Is that why you left me, because you knew I would no longer need you? You do see though, that I will always need you. I will always come back to you.

I still love you.

I still need you.

I don't understand you, my dearest. You have become somewhat of an addiction.


Deepest love,
Your Elizabeth

Dear, Christopher

You have given me the greatest gift.

Therefore, I probably won't post here much more. I have you now.

I will still post some though, when it's safe.

Because that is your wish.

Dear, Unknown

I'm becoming afraid of you. I don't know what to do. I can't leave you, won't leave you. I love you. I need you. I so incredibly afraid that I'm going to lose him to you though. I couldn't stand for that either, not when you have given me so many insights to him. I don't understand what you are doing, or why you're even here. I would never have been this alive without you, but I'm starting to wonder if your coming is tempting fate. Sometimes I'm so ecstatic that you found me, but other times I... wish you had never come. I don't want to continue to live in these alternate worlds. I know I'll lose him. I can't lose him. I can't live without him. Please, try to understand. Please try to help me from within.

Dear, My Christopher

I had the most wonderful dream last night. It's the second time in a row that I've dreamed about him, but I don't mind. He's wonderful.

It's not really him though. I've decided that It's only him on the outside, and not him on the inside, at least not completely. I'm not sure who it really is, but I know I already love them. They are amazing and I can't wait until the day I find them. I will never give up.

Thank you so much, My Christopher James. I know it is you that is giving me these dreams, and the will that comes with them. I have no idea what I would have done without you.


I love you, forever. You are my guardian angel, and I could not live without you.

Sweetest love and dreams,
Elizabeth

Dear, Unknown

Why don't I know where I am?
Why don't I know what I'm here for?
Why don't I understand who I am?
Why do I understand the things that aren't there?
Why don't I understand the things that are real?

I'm so scared.

Why did it have to be me?


Please, whoever you are...

...help me.


Please help me find a way out.

Dear, Christopher James

Why do I always do this to myself? It's just like before. I hate it.

I've come back, Christopher

Hm... I don't really know what to say now. I'm still happy, but other than that nothing has changed.
I sort of wish he would ask about you, because part of me wants him to read this blog. The other half of me knows that I've already told him to much for my own good. He's so sweet though, I don't know what it would take to make him say goodbye. I'm very thankful for that, but I just can't seem to get use to it. I keep expecting to wake up one morning and him just be gone. I don't know why I think that way, I guess it's just me. I'm always afraid the things I love most are going to leave me. It's very strange, because nothing has ever really left me, just not been so prominent in my life. Hopefully it's something I'll grown out of.

All my love,
Elizabeth

Oh, Chistopher!

I haven't been this happy in so long! I can't believe it! It's the most amazing feeling ever, I don't know how I've lived without it. I could have never imagined that one simple thing could bring me this much pleasure. It's Truly Amazing!!

So much love my dearest,
I promise to return later

<3!

Dear, Christopher

This is pointless.

I'm going to go light something on fire.

Dear, Christopher

I think not talking to him has helped. At this moment, I feel like an actual friend to him, not some crazed in love idiot. It feels good to know that maybe there's hope for us to still be friends. I really do hope so. I want to be able to be there for him, as a friend. I hope he can accept me.

Dear, Christopher

I acted off impulse again last night. I got out of bed at about 11 and went and told mom I wanted to go back to counseling. It's not that I regret it, at least not yet, I just wish I had given it more thought. When I told her she gave my this strange look. She told me that I couldn't just go to socialize with Mrs. Camp, that it was serious. That was the last thing I expected, and I still don't really know what she meant by it. I don't know when I will understand her reasoning behind those words. I take counseling very serious, and I trust it. I want to go back because I'm falinng back into that black hole. Where nothing is real, and life's just a dream. I love it when I'm there, because it's all I know, and when I wake up it's all like a dream, only it affects my life.

I'm starting to fall apart on the outside...again.

Oh My Sweatest, Christopher

I'm sorry for my explosions. Sometimes I simply can't control myself. I will never give up, you know that. I love you. Always and Forever.

Dear, Christopher

I'm so tired of living without you. I'm sorry.

Dear, Christopher

I miss you. I dead without you. It's always my fault. I hate myself.


Please come back to me.

Dear, Christopher

Every time I look at him, I see someone else. I see him, a beautiful image and physical being before me, but not the person I love. I've fallen in love with his mind, the things he wants and thinks about, the way he thinks and the emotions he feels, not the person who he will go through life looking in the mirror at. The only problem with that is the possibility that he, the one I've fall in love with, isn't real. The possibility that he only exist to me, and I have created him in my mind. It's true that the person I see in real life does have all the same characterizations, but he will never be the person I fantasize about, not completely. I don't really know him well enough to know what he would do if the things I think about happened in real life. Therefor I fill his actions and emotions in with what I want them to be, and they sometimes makes me think that he isn't real, that the person I love is only real to me, in my head. Is it possible that I have fallen in love with someone who doesn't exist?

Dear, Christopher

Every time I look in the mirror, I feel like I'm looking at someone else. Every time I get up and get dressed, I feel like I'm dressing up a doll. Every time I think about telling someone something emotional, I know they will never see me for what I truly feel. I shouldn't look like this, it's so far from being what I should be, it amazes me every time I see myself. How could others think they know me, much less love me, with this mask hiding everything I am? It kills me to think that I will never be excepted for what I am, because of the body I'm cursed to live in.

Oh My Dearest, Christopher

I'm so scared. I miss them so much, I'm afraid of my weaknesses becoming unbearable. Mother ask me about them earlier, and I had to hide my face so she wouldn't see my eyes swelling up. What if I never find them, or worse, what if I do and they're already gone? What if they've already left me? Then there will be no choice, and I'm scared of the fact that I already know that. It would be so wonderful though, beyond wonderful, to have them though. I couldn't imagine, not at all. All I know for sure is that I will wait. The day I know their fate is the day mine will be decided. I will wait forever though, no matter what happens, I could never give up on them. They are the reason I exist.

Dear, Christopher

I'm tired of looking at his pictures... well I should be tired of looking at them anyway. I just tired in general I guess. I should probably go to bed.

Goodnight,
Christopher

Dear, Christopher

Today was slightly interesting. I've decided that I no longer like them, and that they are like fireworks. Fascinating at first, and eventually die out, but always beautiful. I will always love fireworks.