"I Lurve You!"

I HATE running.
With the biggest fucking passion in the world.
No lie.

________

He's okay. I'm not going to break up with him. It's not worth it. I wouldn't be okay with it afterwords. I just needed to chill out for a while. Breath about it all.

Still bugs me
SO MUCH
that he likes him. Can't believe it. He's so OPEN about it all with me.
I don't feel like his girlfriend, I feel like his friend who he uses to vent to.
All he ever vents about is him.
Ronnie
He loves him...
not me...
live with it.
Live in the lie.

________________

I had a lot of fun today. Spending time with them was amazing. And I love my new piercing. I'm so glad they were there for it. It really made all the difference.
____________________

My brother.
So nice to be able to breath the word out
with peace in mind
instead of stress
or lust
or hate
or jealousy
or pain.
Never again will there be pain.
Never.
________________

I feel like he's... god, I can't even say it.
`Cause, I mean, he doesn't even seem physically attracted to me.
Never touches me at all.
Just hugs me goodnight.
Says "lurve you!"

Shut up you beautiful freak.
Just...



be honest with the world...

and maybe even...

yourself.

Can't handle this for too long.
Tell myself that now, but watch me never end this when it should be ended.

Because I never know when to stop.

No Title

I use to be wonderful didn't I
Yeah those were the days
I really wish I could be that for you now
only memories
I'm so sorry

No Title

ithoughijustneededtimetorebuildmyselfthatsnotrightineedsomeone
elsetohelpmenooneistheretohelpme
pleasecomefromtheashesandsavemefrommyself
ineedyou
whoeveryouare

No Title

You said you wouldn't leave me, no matter what I wanted.
I wonder if I can push you away.
Shove you into the dirt and kick you until you bleed.

It seems to be what you enjoy.

Let's see what the world looks like when I we both realize that
I really don't love you anymore.

____________

I see now that I was overlooking all the things I really hate about you.
I'm a hypocrite, I realize this, but it doesn't change facts.

____________

Why does it hurt still every time you mention her?
She was the only thing you ever gave me to hate with you.
I was young, and confused, and you left an impression with her that I will never be able to remold.
I'm so disappointed in myself.
And that feeling of disappointment is the strongest I've had all week,
even if it only lasted for a second,
and is now no more that a memory.

____________

How could I have let this happen?

Christopher,

I loved being single.
I really did.
Strange as it may seem, I seriously know that statement is true.
That it's not something I just told myself.

I think maybe we should of just stayed friends.
I'm so glad we got to be closer, and it's not something I would trade for anything.
But I just don't feel the click I feel like I should feel between us.

He is amazing though, once you get to know him. His mind is so far from expected. He gets things I don't even get, but at the same time I get things that he doesn't get. We balance each other out. When he's in a bad mood, I'm always in a good mood somehow, so I can fix him. When I'm in a bad mood, he always seems to already be in a good mood, as he can fix me.

We fit together, and I know that he will end up being something beautiful, in the most twisted sense of the word. A beauty I did not know even existed.

Submissive is not a word I ever thought one of my boyfriends would use to describe themselves. In a way it is the truth, but at the same time he's so unsubmissive.

This submission though, it confuses my brain. I can be a total girl for a guy, but they have to be someone who pulls it out of me by being a total guy themselves. He's not girlish at all, but he isn't that man (at least not all of the time).

Every time he lays his head on my shoulder, or in my lap, you scream and whine so loudly that my insides rip open causing blood to gush out of my veins and drown my internal organs.

Sometimes, I really wish you wern't there.
Sometimes, I really wish you would be quiet.

I shouldn't have jumped into this with you still alive and thriving inside of me.

Knowledge

So, I'm extremely moody lately... I wonder... hehe... I wont put that Christopher, you are a guy after all. But yeah, I have to work on controlling myself.

It's all better.

WOOT!!
He's not a dream anymore.
Not a fantasy.
Not someone elses.

He's mine, in flesh and blood.

And even if we do break up someday, which I know we probably will, I have a very good feeling we'll continue to be very good friends.

Flash

"Good morning, Beautiful."

I'm sorry, but I'm really the farthest thing from beautiful.

I'm going to hurt you like never before, and you're going to love me through it all. Where have I heard this story before?

Flash-he's bi, it really doesn't matter. pretty pretty boy. love him. he loves her, not me. oh well, it'll all work out. Myyearbook, love you now. Sketm9, obsession. you're single, but wait, you can't love me back can you? you're still beautiful, loser pretty boy. I don't mind... you'll change. you don't really love them do you? no. you just want to be held-Flash

and it's all painful again.

I've heard this story before.

Only, wait my love, it's worse this time. Can you imagine? Worse? and you're going to cause it all, You're going to make him endure it all. You get to pull all the strings this time. He's going to go through something worse than what you've been through in the past two years combined. He's really going to break.

He was suicidal before...

What if...

_____________

So, your only option must be acting. Act like you love him back, which is something that should be easy considering that he already has the blind fold on. Give him heaven on Earth. You'll be sacrificing yourself if you do this, but it's okay, because you really don't love yourself anymore.

You've always been sacrificing yourself for someone. At least this time they'll actually need it.

At least, when you told him you loved him back, you wern't completely wrong. You do love him enough to do this for him.

To kill yourself.

Made for self punishment

Mean
Nasty
Pervert
Faggot

Why are these the words that went through my head when I said I loved him back? I'm going to kill him. He's going to be broken beyond repair, and it will be all my fault.

"Goodnight, I love you."
"Love you too"

No... this is wrong
Wrong as in this is not how it should be. I should not be watching Laura while he's watching me. I should not have him hanging on my every word. I should not tell him I was just in a bad mood and that it had nothing to do with him, even though it did. I should not be in love with another girl.

Pervert
Faggot

Tell yourself you love him. Convince yourself of it because it's what you should be feeling.

Break him.

Rip him open at the seams of his frail young heart and blind fold him with beauty while you shove as much poison inside of him as you can.

I do love you, but not the way you want me to...
Not the way you need me to.
I'm so sorry to say...

Maybe I'm really not made to be loved.

Swish, you crooked freak

We were dancing on a balcony. And it was the most supernatural thing I had ever experienced. It was beyond beautiful. You in my arms, content, for once. You were not in love with me, I knew that, but you didn't mind being there at all. You let me hold you because you wanted me to be happy.

I guess you did love me, in a sense at least, because you had wanted that.

It wasn't two people this time, and It wasn't a situation where I wasn't quite sure who you were.

You stood out in my mind, in my dream, and were the entire point of the experience. Will I ever recover from you?

Even today, a week after this dream, even with him watching me and loving me the entire time, you were all I could see. You were the only person I kept track of. The only one I truly loved.
______

I not gay...

The Best Part

Oh yeah, and you know the best part? I don't feel sick with it when I look at him like I always did with liking people before! It's so wonderful and just plain sweet. I still can't believe it. I'm in shock. I don't care what anyone says, not that they've said anything, but I'm the happiest I've been in a very long time.

Wonderful

I'm breaking, but at the same time I think it's only my old shell breaking off. Or maybe the shield I created for myself breaking off. I'm not sure at the point. So far though, today has been wonderful. I couldn't ask for better.

He is... sweet.
He said shit on the answering machine, and mom didn't even mention it. I think she likes him. Amazing.
We get along so well though. It's great.

I'm so glad I waited.

Friday will be the best.

I'm so glad she's happy also.

Allena

Clear

Something's breaking. We're falling apart. I use to think it was just me, just a phase, but now I'm starting to really wonder. Can we be friends? Can I put up with all the shit when I'm not blinded(protected) by the screen of my own heart? I'm really not sure anymore.

Him

Amazing, isn't it Love, how you can so suddenly fall for someone?
Their different. My age, for once, and possibly exactly what I need.
Thank you so much, for being there.

Much love Christopher,
Elizabeth

Dream2

I had another dream. This one took place in a Hotel, but had one unifying idea with the last dream. There was yet another human there who seemed to be a mixture of two people.
Laura&Becca

Strange.

He was there also, but didn't play any major role.

Just thought I'd tell you.

Dream

I’m sitting on the hard wood floor staring at the TV. He is sitting about a foot away and slightly behind me. We’re both into the TV. Mom and Katrina are in the kitchen talking. I realize that so far, what I’ve seen of their new house (or at least I think it’s new?) if exactly like my house, my Moms house. The furniture is different, an old arrangement we use to have in the living room. I have no idea why we’re sitting on the floor instead of on the sofa. The hard wood is warm from where I’ve been sitting on it. Carson does not seem to exist.

I absentmindedly began to ease drop on our mom’s conversations, and find myself wondering where William is (Katrinia’s son in real life. Her husband just died a few months back and he’s been having a really bad time). I think maybe the person with me is supposed to represent William. Right then the women actually bring up William, and I can’t tell what they’re saying, just that their talking about him, and I’m thinking what I coincidence it is when I look over at her/him (suddenly they seem slightly female, but not quite a girl). They were leaning back on their wrist watching the TV with me, but now their laying back on the hard wood looking at the ceiling. I notice their crying and that there’s a puddle forming below their right eye (on my side). I think for a second if I should wipe the tear away, and decided I should (my more male instincts taking over). I lean back and lay next to them, propping myself up on one elbow, looking at their face (they don’t seem to notice me yet). I reach out and wipe the tear away with my index and bird finger in one swoop, feeling the wetness on my fingertips. This tear is the most real part of the entire dream.

________________

I realize now looking back on this dream that I had last night, that I loved this person, even though I didn't even know their gender. They were perfect, and I could tell it just by being with them. Perfect for me that is. Beautiful.

Later on in the dream I go on back to where my mom and I are suppose to be sleeping for the night. I remember a lot about the room, but what I remember most is how all I wanted to do was put my bags down and leave so I could be with them again. They were just a few rooms away, but already I missed them dearly.

So I guess my brains thoughts behind this is the fact that I really am gender bind.

Over all, It was a seriously wonderful dream.

If only I'd found out if they loved me back.

Hidding

Why do I suddenly become so full of myself sometimes? Now I remember why I enjoyed being depressed, I wasn't so conceited. I did it today on the phone, and it bothers me so much.

Also, another flaw that I've noticed is how I'll plan to have a face to face encounter with someone, and I'll plan the whole thing out, including my attitude, but then when it actually happens I'll act completely different. This also bothers me.

It's like I have no self control.

I have noticed that these things only happen when I'm talking to some one and I feel pressured, or when I'm in a situation that stresses me out. Even if theirs not much reason for me to be uncomfortable, and even if I want to be there, it still happens sometimes.

At least I have this blog. I'm so happy I kept it from over the summer, it holds so many memories. And everything in it's the truth! It's amazing, like I've kept a memory chip of all my true thoughts and feelings. I also love the way it shows how I've matured, even if I do have so far to go.

Love Always

So I get carried away sometimes... I can understand that.

I'm lucky to have someone who doesn't think I'm a freak for it. I can also seriously appreciate that.

_________

I can't believe she was freaking out that much over her break up. I mean I was seriously worried about her, thinking her mom was terminal or something, but then I find out they her Boyfriend of like two days broke up with her? Come on hun, you can do so much better than that. She's lucky she had Leah as a friend. She's lucky I wasn't there, I would of loved her when she needed it non the less, but this week hasn't been my best, and I would of creamed her compared to how nice leah was to her about it. Leah just knows how to handel things like that, and the fact that Leah's actually been through a break up would help.

Get a grip Laura.

I use to look up to you, but lately I'm not sure. You fall so easily. At least when I break over a crush it's always over something long term.

Much lutz through Girl,
you know I'd still do anything for you,
'Melia

Worth Mentioning

Stupid Lovers
Didn't they know it was worth ending their life together
So they could inhale toxins?

Fix This

I've never written a note directly to any one in my life. I just realized that.

So, I feel like I'm a lot better. I had convinced myself of that, and was even slightly excited at the thought of seeing him by accident on my way off the bus, but then when I did see him, I automatically averted my eyes and started mentally freaking out for no apparent reason.

The only thing I can relate the feelings and actions exhibited at that second to are those of which I showed to Laura over those few months. This realization scares me very badly. I refuse to treat him like that, ever.

He said hello. He cares. I've finally gotten that into my head. I just need to figure myself out from here on out. I'm not sure what's gotten me into this mind set.

I feel like in fighting with myself.

He's done nothing wrong.

What's wrong with me?!

*sigh*

I will work on this. I swear to you Christopher. I'll try and stop waking you up. Even if I don't understand why you sleep so much....

listen

So I want to make it clear that when I was listing off stuff that you do that scares me and at the end of it put "I just don't care!!!" I was talking about when you say you don't care anymore. I was not saying that I didn't care.

As soon as I entered that I regretted it because I knew you would take it the wrong way.

Then by putting "Then why don't you just tell me to shut the hell up!!" I seriously knew you had taken it the wrong way.

Sorry for any confusion. Hope you understood this one.

comming back to my sences

stop freaking out
He loves you
you know that
so it's okay
you'll find someone else

you're not going to jump off a bridge

Breath...

untitled

So would you kill yourself just to make a point.

Realize...

The Child Inside of Me.

I don't want to talk to you anymore. It's the strangest thing though. I'm so use to talking to you that I start to get worried if I don't know you're okay-if I can't hear your voice. I guess it'll be good for me to get use to not having you with me all the time.

"I'm just a phone call away."

I can't believe he was with you. It makes me so angry. You value him so much. You can't help it. I realize that, but I'm so tired of being reasonable. I want to scream at you, endlessly. Really scream so loudly that you become deaf and cry and whine until you lose your voice and beg me or anyone to save you.

"If you don't want to say you're sorry then you don't have to."

I have to make sure you're breathing and happy, always. That feeling, that need, for you to be happy overpowers anything I've ever felt before.

"Just say the word and I'll disappear."

I'm being so immature.
I don't want to be reasonable anymore.
I want to scream and cry everything that runs through my head, and never regret any of it.
I want to jump off a cliff and feel every single drop of blood in my body splatter onto the ground.
I want to feel my bones break under the pressure that's been building up.
And I don't ever want to hear your voice again.
But I haven't lost my mind enough to think that my wants will over come my needs.

Please, don't leave.

_______________

So you want to know the real issue?

I love you to death and back, and I have ever since the first day I saw you. You know that. What you don't know is how much its really effected me that you don't even think I'm beautiful. I taught myself to become numb to my hearts feelings toward you so that I didn't have to face the fact that you were gay everyday. I couldn't deal with the fact that it truly was impossible for you to even want me. I couldn't deal with you, so (after I figured out that I couldn't change you) I slowly began to block it all out. I taught and told myself that I didn't need you. Sometimes I even convinced myself that I didn't want you, that I only stuck around because you needed me.

"You saved me"

So Would You Be Dead If It Wasn't For Me?

And will you miss me when I'm gone?

"I'm falling apart, and I blame you."

~

Christopher was never drowning me, you were.

And I loved you for it.

Truth, by the world standards.

I do realize that I would be considered "Cheesy" by any one's standards.
I believe that there is no such thing, as long as you are honest, and more importantly from the heart, such truths should never be mocked.

Unlikelly (Stay With Me)

Rereading I have realized I am not as good of a writer as I had though. He's right, I am amateur. I would delete it, but that would go against everything this represents.

I wish I had someone to hold.
It's all I've been able to think about all day...
Fantasizing...
is only fun for a small amount of time.
Small at least when you consider the length of life.
I don't like pretending like tonight either. It just didn't feel right.

Why do I suddenly feel like crying?
I have never feared it before, but I am starting to be deathly afraid of becoming like you. I never thought I would reach this point. Never thought it was even an option. I don't want my friends to worry about me that way we do you. Ever.

It has just occurred to me that this is how you have felt the whole time. You really didn't want us to worry, did you? I'm so sorry.

(Although, for the record, I have never regretted telling. I never will. I feel, in a small way, I have saved you, even if I am wrong. I don't believe I could ever admit such an accomplishment to myself.

I can only hope...you will do the same for me, when needed? If needed... please, I don't think I can deal with them again. I will trust you with my life, as I have my heart. I will try desperately not to cause you to have to make this decision. )

It's not even that I don't want life anymore, I'm not sure exactly what it is. I just have this urge...

Sticking myself with needles... will suffice.
Because everything in Moms cabinet taste horrid, and I don't like the way it made me feel.

_________

Pressing me up against the counter and blowing hot air onto my lips-wonderful
Sneaking back into the theater for one last hug-priceless
Your firm hold on my waist-The Most Beautiful Explicit I've Ever Experienced

And yet...you were there.
I never though you would wait for me
much less send me home wrapped in love
Forever, I have decided that I will always have you-The Unmistakable Love,
-The Unexpected Love
-I Have Never Experienced Anything Better

I never dreamed something like you could exist.
I never would have believe something like you did exist.
And if I had, I would of traded my soul to be able to call something like you my own.
But you didn't make me trade anything.

You have never ask anything of me
And you have most certainly never taken anything from me
Never have you turned me away for ignorance
Only taught me life's lessons
As only more that a true friend would
As only a _______.

In all honesty,
Amelia