So much love botteled inside the lonely

I hope he's okay...

God, I really hope so.

I almost considered telling him just to do it again, even though it does kill me when he does. I'd let him do anything, just if it would help. I'm not sure what stopped me, I could of pulled it off with out giving away what we talking about to everyone else. Now, I think I'm glad I didn't tell him that though, because if he started again, after doing so well all this time, I'm so scared he wouldn't be able to stop. What if he couldn't stop?

I think that's the worst I've ever seen him.
I hope, with all of my heart, that they can help him. No one should suffer from this.

(once again, I find myself thinking how small he makes my own problems seem)

I don't even know that anything triggered it this time, which is a complexity new fear for me. I didn't even think such a thing was possible.

I can't believe this... what if something happens to him?

How would I go on?

At this point, he doesn't love himself anymore. He just truly doesn't care. The only thing I can pray that keeps him alive is the thought that He is out there, waiting for Zac to find him ( and that he is looking too). I know He's there, I can just feel it. All I can hope is that He's realized, and is enough to keep him waiting, suffering. I know once they meet he won't regret having suffered, but I also know how easy it is to forget that you do have reason to live anymore.

It's a lot to ask someone to suffer like this, when you truly can not promise their life to be worth living in their own eyes, I just hope, more that anything, that something tells him to wait it out. That everything will get better, that it is worth it, and that he just has to wait a little bit longer.

I really do love you, forever.
(and yes, I am talking to you)

Someday? Maybe...

How do you miss something that you never experienced?

I'm not sure if I regret that, but at the same time I think I should.
I bet half of these blogs don't make any since
ha
ha
That's... different

I can't fall asleep anymore with out hugging a pillow, and pretending that some one is there to hold me.

I look like a stereotype. All I need now is some black eyeliner.

I know what tattoo I want. I drew it the other day. It's so me. I like it
It's like the only thing I've done this week that I actually like.
--
She's right. I am scared of having a relationship with anyone. That's the reason I always fall for people that I never have a chance with. She's so right, I can't believe it. I can't believe I'm like that.
That's why I scare people. So that they stay away from me and I don't even have to risk them loving me.
How could I sit around doing this to myself? I mean, what kind of person doesn't want to be loved?
I do want to be loved though. I really do. It's all I ever dream about, and all I ever think about.
It is. I know it is.

So, what's wrong with me?

How am I going to stop pushing them away?






God, I hope I find it.

Blackbird Fly Away

I talked to Leah, Laura's best friend. They hang out all the time, and tell each other everything.

I sent a text to Leah later that night and told her what I'd done. She said Laura hadn't said anything to her about it. She said Laura had been really scared of the whole situation. She said it was a very big step for Laura to even speak to me. She said I'd done the right thing by apologizing.

I told her I just wanted Laura to be herself again. To be happy again.

Leah said she was.
I'm not sure I believe that.

She's seemed so different since all this happened, but maybe it's only because I pay more attention to her now.

I told Leah the truth. Told her that I would do anything if it would cause Laura to be even slightly more comfortable with the situation.

Laura hasn't said anything to me. She hasn't done anything from her usual.

I just need her to be happy. To be herself.
Because I really would do anything...

Ms. Abney

I called her
Apologized
with all my heart
She didn't answer
but I left a message
short and sweet
"I'm sorry"
That's really all there is too it...

She's always really been the world to me, but I'd always had someone else to obsess over, someone else to love with all my mind. But when that ended, and he became more of a brother, I began to fall right back too her. I wanted her so badly, it was incredible. I ended up doing what ever it took to get close to her, and begin to treat her like more that a friend to me. That's when things really came down.

"I was never your girl friend."

We fell apart. She was disgusted with me, even if at the time I had never actually technically said I felt anything for her. She's a very intelligent human being, she knew better that I did that I liked her.

"I LOVE you...
I've loved you sence the 5th grade."

"WOH, You were a real bitch to me in 5th grade!"

~insert sappy love story here~
~insert her hanging up and me still talking

I called back, she picked up, and wouldn't talk. I talked.
I called back, she didn't pick up. I talked to her answering machine.
again
and again
and again
I told her answering machine about everything.

For a long time, she wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't even look at me.
Then one day I said "Hi," as she walked past me. She gave me a truly confused look and kept walking, only because she didn't know what to say.
In math, every once in a while, she will talk to me, but only about math.

"I got 42..." (I had gotten 46. I was wrong.)

She smiled and laughed at one of my jokes one day last month.

Maybe, one day, we'll be friends again.

When I look to the sky, something tells me you're here with me.

I'm lonely. But... At the same time, I'm willing to wait.

I don't feel like giving up.

Not yet, I mean I could be really close? You know?

How could I risk giving up when there is still a chance?
Just the slightest spark...
Of hope.

I pray to find you every night, that you will be safe and stay safe. That you will be happy.

That we will find each other, and be together forever.

Until then, I pray that you laugh until your sides hurt
Smile until you your face goes numb
Dream like there will always be a tomorrow
Live like the worlds ending
and love like today is your last day.

Love Them

I'm lonely. I miss her. I should of called her, but I didn't. Called him instead, lost myself in the phone. The music. My other life.

I'm choking.
At least it's a relief from my usual suffocating.

I'm tired of calling you dear.

I want to curl up in a corner somewhere I've never been and go into a coma
But I know all I'd do is feel claustrophobic.

I almost started crying in class today. I just got to thinking about things too much. I over blew what they said, I know I did, but it was still to much to ignore. What if it really did happen? What would I do. In thinking about it so much, I finally cam to the conclusion that I would do something permanent to myself, something I'd die with, as to know I would never forget them. That's the only way I would be okay enough not to die from it, to know that some part of them was wrapped up inside of me. Forever.
It would be so horrible to lose them.
I can't imagine.

Time does heal all wounds though. I've learned that much.

I'm so tired of life.

Infections

My Infections are taking over my mind.

-I had a dream about her again last night, and this one makes it 3 in one week. (A new record for my obsessions) She was with me, and we were talking, and smiling. She forgave me, and didn't love me but she accepted me. The dream finally confirmed, that's all I really want, her forgiveness.
Still, every time I see her, I fall even farther in love with her. It's so true. Just the way she moves draws me to her.
I can't touch her
I can't talk to her
and I can't breath her air
But I will always love her.-

-He is just as bad as he has ever been. The same as usual. I've been dealing with it for over a year and a half now, and I've finally become numb enough that I don't cry over it any more.
He's killing himself, I can see that. But he's not as bad as he use to be. Maybe, just maybe, I'm helping him in some way.
I don't even have enough emotion to care anymore.
His existence burns me, to my very core, but I will always love him. I can't help it. I'm drawn to him.
He cares, and he's doing nothing wrong, it's just that he still doesn't complete the space he's created. These huge gaping holes inside of me that grow deeper by the second. I'm truly starting to believe that no one ever complete me.
I still need him.
It doesn't matter. I'm a slave to him.
I'll be here as long as he needs me.
But some part of me is still terrified that I won't be able to leave quietly when that time comes.-

My greatest fear is becoming something you no longer enjoy having around.