Only Christopher

Something New

2010-04-10T02:36:00.000-07:00

I haven't seen Christopher in a very long time. I guess he'll always sleep inside of me. I think he's frozen in the back of me somewhere. Maybe someday I'll crack the ice and get him out.

I still love her.

And of course my Zachery, I still love you. As Always.

I have changed.
I can't feel my own heart anymore.
I hate it.
It makes me sick. I know I use to feel it all. I can remember that it was wonderful. I've become addicted to the pain though, and have lost the love. I enjoy hurting other people, being a tease, pulling them in and makeing them thing that it'll all work out. Sure, you can leave your loveing girlfriend for me. It'll all be okay. I'll love you, someday.

Sure I will.

First I should figure out how to love, and not just be addicted to the pain.

_________________________________

You taste like heaven
but God knows you're built for sin.

An insert from the blog I deleted

2009-07-23T15:44:00.001-07:00

(Wake me up
With time ticking away
You come to think that I may be the only option
Even though I have never been your ideal

Is it enough for you to wake me up?
For you to finally listen to me?

The stories I've been trying to tell you for so long
My love for your independence
even though it was the down fall of my world

Is it enough for you to shake me in my sleep?
To want to hear my voice before you fall into your dreams?

The life I've been living waiting for you
My time, gone to waste chasing your shadow
even when it kept me from the world around me

Is it enough for you to dig your nails into me screaming?
To need to have my arms around you as you lose your self to sleep?

The way I've dragged myself forward
Grasping for any last trace of you
Endless sleep eventually finding its way into my mind
Following closely behind a sliver bullet

Even though I still love you so,
What will be enough when you finally realize
That I may never wake for you?
Posted by A3elegance at 8:09 PM 0 comments
Realise yourself, but more importianty, your situation
But today I didn't see you, You just wernt there
Because today I couldn't find you, in your own head
You were watching me, I know very well you were
Smiling, waiting, thinking about everything, even me?

_____________________________________________

I watch her, silently, sleeping.

The strobe light in my bedroom is sending flashes of light off her olive skin, accenting a new aspect of her beauty with every blinding beam of light. My dark patterned comforter thrown over her and into every curve between her and the matrices as to lock in all heat, heaven forbid she should ever be cold. Almond swirls of hair fallen in her face, her mouth parts slightly like a new born child breathing.

My mind flashes back to a few hours before, images of flesh and breath licking my memories, screaming at me that I finally have what I've always needed. Just as so many times before though, I cannot comprehend how something so perfect could actually exist, much less be mine.
Posted by A3elegance at 8:07 PM 0 comments
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Whispering Lulabies Into My Eyes
I never though I would enjoy dancing with anyone, but you seem to have changed that. Sure, I can't seem to move myself the right way when you take my hands (maybe because I melt) but you still seem to enjoy it all. Being with me you seem happy, but then I think that I hardly ever see you unhappy.

Too young,
and you're too old

Too perfect to be mine for more then a second,
and maybe it wouldn't hurt so badly if I never saw you
(felt you against me)
(had you hold me)

>insert<

I want you to be mine. You want me to be yours...

..... and there you go, again..

>Back Up<

Blow me away into 6 thousand pieces... because it's what you do best.)

Lead me to the place where I find peace...

2009-07-23T15:30:00.001-07:00

This love is killing me
but you're the only one
It's not over
I'll try to do it right this time around

_________________________________

I... don't miss you the way I did last time. I can't believe it...
It's like, now that you truly don't need me, I feel like I have to right to be there with you.

Everything would be so much easier if you just wanted me there.

But you don't...

_________________________________

...At least you're happy...

__________________________________

I still can't find the strength to hate you.
Still can't make myself curse you...
I can't even say that word, because I know how much it hurts you...

_________________________________

Maybe it really is finally over...

(I still love you.)

In Your Soul

2009-07-15T20:52:00.000-07:00

I'm dieing to talk to him.

I'll be honest and admit it.

___________

So I had this very long dream a few nights ago. I haven't been able to get on and tell you about it though. Sorry.

I would tell you about it in story format as usual, but I'm too tired. Maybe later.

It was me and a few friends. We had just gotten to the condo we were staying in at the beach. He showed up, and right behind him was his love.

I knew he was bringing him, but my god. I had no idea he would be the most beautiful person I had ever seen.

So smart and fashion forward, sophisticated, alive. They fit together so well. It was truly unbelievable. I could see them together forever. He was (with the exception of her) the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

He had a child in his arms though. Weird right? yeah. I didn't ask questions. you could tell that he loved this kid, a baby girl actually. it was his child.

she had golden hair, and blue eyes.

We all hung out on the beach for a few days, and one day I was holding her, the baby. she was so sweet. young and playful.

Then suddenly a huge wave came up over the beach, hitting her and I. I held onto her for the first few waves, but they kept attacking us, almost hitting the high rises up on the edge of the beach. then one more hit, and when the water washed away, she was gone.

after the waves it took me a while to find him, because he had actually gone missing also. finally me and a friend found him, his lover standing behind us worried as all get out. we pulled him from the sand he was covered in, and of course he rushed into his lover arms. they held each other, and eventually they parted and I pulled him aside.

I told him the baby had been washed from my hands, that I had lost her. we didn't tell his lover, knowing that he would fall apart. we searched for hours for her.

we couldn't find her though. we went back to the condo and bit our nails, holding back our greatest fears. what if his lovers child had been washed away into the ocean?

What if she had been lost?

we went back out to look, and when we were about to give up for sure, I looked up and saw a man sitting in his window, over looking the ocean. I went to him and as him if he had seen a small child.

he pointed out toward the sea, and I followed his gaze to a small long strip of land about 100 feet into the ocean from where I stood. there were a few adults on the island, although it was completely barren of plants and I had no idea how they had gotten out there.

Then, amongst the adults, I saw a toddler walking about looking lost, but not scared. and I screamed in joy, it was her! We had found her, and she was alive!

I pointed her out to him and we both rushed for the edge of the water, then begain waideing into the ocean yelling her name. she begain toward us, her arms extended. he got to her first, takeing his lovers child in his arms, kissing her head and squeazeing the life out of her.

The End

_____________

I need this... break... if that's what you would call it.

It teaches me value. I had begun take his preasence for granted. For some reason I just don't want to let myself start get use to his being there. I always forced myself to tell my heart that he wouldn't be there, so now when he is my brain still wants to think that. The idea of letting myself settle into him is unbelievable.

He has been there for so much longer that I thought he would though. And I had started to take his presence for granted. Started to maybe think that he won't leave. I can't think that, ever. It would be the end of me.

So by leaving him for a while I starve myself. It teaches me to enjoy him more when he's there, and never be mean to him.

That's what really made me see that I needed to do this, the way I had began to somtimes get mad at him. He never deserves that. No matter what, especialy from me.

(He has bigger things to deal with than me.)

(And he should never have to put up with me.)

It's not what you'd want me to say, or think. The small, powerful, part of me that really can see you knows that.

My heart... it just tries so hard to tell me differently... that's the only thing it puts effort into anymore... makeing sure it's not hurt again...

No matter how careing the person is, and no matter how much my mind knows they won't hurt me, my heart always knows best, always knows that even though they may not hurt me, it's but better safe that sorry.

Usually it's just me hurting myself though.

__

Part of me still knows that I really starve myself for a compleatly different reason though...

because it's all I know how to do anymore.

__________

I hope you sleep well.

And I will never forget your name.

2009-07-10T21:10:00.000-07:00

I love you...

More than life itself.

More than all of them.

Enough that I'm okay sitting back and watching you.

Instead of holding you.

Enough that I would jump from a cliff if you told me, without even questioning it.

And the most unique part about this love,

is that I have always felt these things for you.

It's not a short term feeling at all.
It's more real that the air I breath.

I know that you have no idea this blog exist,
but I'm writing this because it needs to be spoken;
written in ink so that it may always be held true.

As it will always lay in my heart and soul.

Until next time, Love...

New Blog

2009-07-05T19:36:00.001-07:00

riptide66.blogspot.com

>Meet the latest update to me<

Because I can't make you love me...

2009-06-17T19:48:00.000-07:00

Then He's holding me, tighter that ever before, but at the same time not too tight. Too tight would make it seem urgent, but we have all the time in the world. The feel of him around me like a blanket in the middle of winter. It's snug, with just the right amount pressure and heat on my skin.

...

Fantasiezing...

The only person that I've ever had tell me they loved me, doesn't want me anymore...

Hold on...
Just hold on a little bit longer...

For the Puppy Howling in the Background

2009-06-14T20:48:00.000-07:00

I'm scared. More than I ever have been. The world is going to end. I shouldn't be scared, and in a way I'm not. I'm going to Heaven, I know that, and find an unbelievable and unexplainable comfort in that, but there is also a part of me that is experiencing a pain and fear greater that I would have ever dreamed possible. I'm going to lose you, and him. The two greatest loves of my life, aside from my family and god. You two have meant more that the world to me, especially you, and I can not imagine my life without you beside me.
I'm crying.
I'm going to go to the greatest place any soul could ever go, and you are going to go to the worst. These two facts are beyond horrible, but still somehow there seems to be one worse. I will completely forget you. I won't even remember your name. You're beautiful face, all the tears I shed over you, all the smiles only you could bring to my face. The love only you could have taught me to find and experience. I'll forget you, and you I. As if we never existed.
I'm crying.
I would trade anything to remember you forever, no matter the heat break it would cause me.No matter the pain. To always remember that you served a purpose inside of me. To remember that you changed me in ways that I could not have lived without.

To forget you would be to forget my past, and to forget my past would be to forget the reasons why I am who I am. You did not create me, but you shaped me, molded me into what I am today in so many ways.

No matter what, always remember that I will love you for that.

... Even when you no longer remember my name...

I'm so tired.

2009-06-06T20:15:00.000-07:00

You don't care. maybe it's to late to make decisions like she told me, but I really don't think you care. You make me want to break up with you. That's always what I think about by the end of the night. Leaving you, and how nice it really would be.

Maybe it's not just the whole Ronnie thing anymore, maybe it's me really not being enough into you. I think you're kinda nice one moment, but the next think you're so stupid and immature. You're a bad boyfriend. If you really do feel all the things you do you should start showing them, because I'm getting tired of dealing with this and not getting anything back.

You don't even want to touch me. Like I'm a disease or something. I'm not sick....

I just realized that you're making me heartless.
This is not how its suppose to be.

"I Lurve You!"

2009-05-30T23:51:00.000-07:00

I HATE running.
With the biggest fucking passion in the world.
No lie.

________

He's okay. I'm not going to break up with him. It's not worth it. I wouldn't be okay with it afterwords. I just needed to chill out for a while. Breath about it all.

Still bugs me
SO MUCH
that he likes him. Can't believe it. He's so OPEN about it all with me.
I don't feel like his girlfriend, I feel like his friend who he uses to vent to.
All he ever vents about is him.
Ronnie
He loves him...
not me...
live with it.
Live in the lie.

________________

I had a lot of fun today. Spending time with them was amazing. And I love my new piercing. I'm so glad they were there for it. It really made all the difference.
____________________

My brother.
So nice to be able to breath the word out
with peace in mind
instead of stress
or lust
or hate
or jealousy
or pain.
Never again will there be pain.
Never.
________________

I feel like he's... god, I can't even say it.
`Cause, I mean, he doesn't even seem physically attracted to me.
Never touches me at all.
Just hugs me goodnight.
Says "lurve you!"

Shut up you beautiful freak.
Just...

be honest with the world...

and maybe even...

yourself.

Can't handle this for too long.
Tell myself that now, but watch me never end this when it should be ended.

Because I never know when to stop.

No Title

2009-05-19T14:52:00.001-07:00

I use to be wonderful didn't I
Yeah those were the days
I really wish I could be that for you now
only memories
I'm so sorry

No Title

2009-05-19T14:48:00.000-07:00

ithoughijustneededtimetorebuildmyselfthatsnotrightineedsomeone
elsetohelpmenooneistheretohelpme
pleasecomefromtheashesandsavemefrommyself
ineedyou
whoeveryouare

No Title

2009-05-19T14:37:00.000-07:00

You said you wouldn't leave me, no matter what I wanted.
I wonder if I can push you away.
Shove you into the dirt and kick you until you bleed.

It seems to be what you enjoy.

Let's see what the world looks like when I we both realize that
I really don't love you anymore.

____________

I see now that I was overlooking all the things I really hate about you.
I'm a hypocrite, I realize this, but it doesn't change facts.

____________

Why does it hurt still every time you mention her?
She was the only thing you ever gave me to hate with you.
I was young, and confused, and you left an impression with her that I will never be able to remold.
I'm so disappointed in myself.
And that feeling of disappointment is the strongest I've had all week,
even if it only lasted for a second,
and is now no more that a memory.

____________

How could I have let this happen?

Christopher,

2009-05-19T14:02:00.001-07:00

I loved being single.
I really did.
Strange as it may seem, I seriously know that statement is true.
That it's not something I just told myself.

I think maybe we should of just stayed friends.
I'm so glad we got to be closer, and it's not something I would trade for anything.
But I just don't feel the click I feel like I should feel between us.

He is amazing though, once you get to know him. His mind is so far from expected. He gets things I don't even get, but at the same time I get things that he doesn't get. We balance each other out. When he's in a bad mood, I'm always in a good mood somehow, so I can fix him. When I'm in a bad mood, he always seems to already be in a good mood, as he can fix me.

We fit together, and I know that he will end up being something beautiful, in the most twisted sense of the word. A beauty I did not know even existed.

Submissive is not a word I ever thought one of my boyfriends would use to describe themselves. In a way it is the truth, but at the same time he's so unsubmissive.

This submission though, it confuses my brain. I can be a total girl for a guy, but they have to be someone who pulls it out of me by being a total guy themselves. He's not girlish at all, but he isn't that man (at least not all of the time).

Every time he lays his head on my shoulder, or in my lap, you scream and whine so loudly that my insides rip open causing blood to gush out of my veins and drown my internal organs.

Sometimes, I really wish you wern't there.
Sometimes, I really wish you would be quiet.

I shouldn't have jumped into this with you still alive and thriving inside of me.

Knowledge

2009-05-17T15:11:00.001-07:00

So, I'm extremely moody lately... I wonder... hehe... I wont put that Christopher, you are a guy after all. But yeah, I have to work on controlling myself.

It's all better.

WOOT!!
He's not a dream anymore.
Not a fantasy.
Not someone elses.

He's mine, in flesh and blood.

And even if we do break up someday, which I know we probably will, I have a very good feeling we'll continue to be very good friends.

Flash

2009-05-16T09:50:00.000-07:00

"Good morning, Beautiful."

I'm sorry, but I'm really the farthest thing from beautiful.

I'm going to hurt you like never before, and you're going to love me through it all. Where have I heard this story before?

Flash-he's bi, it really doesn't matter. pretty pretty boy. love him. he loves her, not me. oh well, it'll all work out. Myyearbook, love you now. Sketm9, obsession. you're single, but wait, you can't love me back can you? you're still beautiful, loser pretty boy. I don't mind... you'll change. you don't really love them do you? no. you just want to be held-Flash

and it's all painful again.

I've heard this story before.

Only, wait my love, it's worse this time. Can you imagine? Worse? and you're going to cause it all, You're going to make him endure it all. You get to pull all the strings this time. He's going to go through something worse than what you've been through in the past two years combined. He's really going to break.

He was suicidal before...

What if...

_____________

So, your only option must be acting. Act like you love him back, which is something that should be easy considering that he already has the blind fold on. Give him heaven on Earth. You'll be sacrificing yourself if you do this, but it's okay, because you really don't love yourself anymore.

You've always been sacrificing yourself for someone. At least this time they'll actually need it.

At least, when you told him you loved him back, you wern't completely wrong. You do love him enough to do this for him.

To kill yourself.

Made for self punishment

2009-05-16T07:57:00.000-07:00

Mean
Nasty
Pervert
Faggot

Why are these the words that went through my head when I said I loved him back? I'm going to kill him. He's going to be broken beyond repair, and it will be all my fault.

"Goodnight, I love you."
"Love you too"

No... this is wrong
Wrong as in this is not how it should be. I should not be watching Laura while he's watching me. I should not have him hanging on my every word. I should not tell him I was just in a bad mood and that it had nothing to do with him, even though it did. I should not be in love with another girl.

Pervert
Faggot

Tell yourself you love him. Convince yourself of it because it's what you should be feeling.

Break him.

Rip him open at the seams of his frail young heart and blind fold him with beauty while you shove as much poison inside of him as you can.

I do love you, but not the way you want me to...
Not the way you need me to.
I'm so sorry to say...

Maybe I'm really not made to be loved.

Swish, you crooked freak

2009-05-15T13:48:00.000-07:00

We were dancing on a balcony. And it was the most supernatural thing I had ever experienced. It was beyond beautiful. You in my arms, content, for once. You were not in love with me, I knew that, but you didn't mind being there at all. You let me hold you because you wanted me to be happy.

I guess you did love me, in a sense at least, because you had wanted that.

It wasn't two people this time, and It wasn't a situation where I wasn't quite sure who you were.

You stood out in my mind, in my dream, and were the entire point of the experience. Will I ever recover from you?

Even today, a week after this dream, even with him watching me and loving me the entire time, you were all I could see. You were the only person I kept track of. The only one I truly loved.
______

I not gay...

The Best Part

2009-05-11T18:17:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah, and you know the best part? I don't feel sick with it when I look at him like I always did with liking people before! It's so wonderful and just plain sweet. I still can't believe it. I'm in shock. I don't care what anyone says, not that they've said anything, but I'm the happiest I've been in a very long time.

Wonderful

2009-05-11T18:04:00.000-07:00

I'm breaking, but at the same time I think it's only my old shell breaking off. Or maybe the shield I created for myself breaking off. I'm not sure at the point. So far though, today has been wonderful. I couldn't ask for better.

He is... sweet.
He said shit on the answering machine, and mom didn't even mention it. I think she likes him. Amazing.
We get along so well though. It's great.

I'm so glad I waited.

Friday will be the best.

I'm so glad she's happy also.

Allena

Clear

2009-05-11T14:15:00.000-07:00

Something's breaking. We're falling apart. I use to think it was just me, just a phase, but now I'm starting to really wonder. Can we be friends? Can I put up with all the shit when I'm not blinded(protected) by the screen of my own heart? I'm really not sure anymore.

Him

2009-05-10T18:39:00.000-07:00

Amazing, isn't it Love, how you can so suddenly fall for someone?
Their different. My age, for once, and possibly exactly what I need.
Thank you so much, for being there.

Much love Christopher,
Elizabeth

Dream2

2009-05-07T18:15:00.000-07:00

I had another dream. This one took place in a Hotel, but had one unifying idea with the last dream. There was yet another human there who seemed to be a mixture of two people.
Laura&Becca

Strange.

He was there also, but didn't play any major role.

Just thought I'd tell you.

Dream

2009-05-06T14:48:00.000-07:00

I’m sitting on the hard wood floor staring at the TV. He is sitting about a foot away and slightly behind me. We’re both into the TV. Mom and Katrina are in the kitchen talking. I realize that so far, what I’ve seen of their new house (or at least I think it’s new?) if exactly like my house, my Moms house. The furniture is different, an old arrangement we use to have in the living room. I have no idea why we’re sitting on the floor instead of on the sofa. The hard wood is warm from where I’ve been sitting on it. Carson does not seem to exist.

I absentmindedly began to ease drop on our mom’s conversations, and find myself wondering where William is (Katrinia’s son in real life. Her husband just died a few months back and he’s been having a really bad time). I think maybe the person with me is supposed to represent William. Right then the women actually bring up William, and I can’t tell what they’re saying, just that their talking about him, and I’m thinking what I coincidence it is when I look over at her/him (suddenly they seem slightly female, but not quite a girl). They were leaning back on their wrist watching the TV with me, but now their laying back on the hard wood looking at the ceiling. I notice their crying and that there’s a puddle forming below their right eye (on my side). I think for a second if I should wipe the tear away, and decided I should (my more male instincts taking over). I lean back and lay next to them, propping myself up on one elbow, looking at their face (they don’t seem to notice me yet). I reach out and wipe the tear away with my index and bird finger in one swoop, feeling the wetness on my fingertips. This tear is the most real part of the entire dream.

________________

I realize now looking back on this dream that I had last night, that I loved this person, even though I didn't even know their gender. They were perfect, and I could tell it just by being with them. Perfect for me that is. Beautiful.

Later on in the dream I go on back to where my mom and I are suppose to be sleeping for the night. I remember a lot about the room, but what I remember most is how all I wanted to do was put my bags down and leave so I could be with them again. They were just a few rooms away, but already I missed them dearly.

So I guess my brains thoughts behind this is the fact that I really am gender bind.

Over all, It was a seriously wonderful dream.

If only I'd found out if they loved me back.

Hidding

2009-05-05T14:47:00.000-07:00

Why do I suddenly become so full of myself sometimes? Now I remember why I enjoyed being depressed, I wasn't so conceited. I did it today on the phone, and it bothers me so much.

Also, another flaw that I've noticed is how I'll plan to have a face to face encounter with someone, and I'll plan the whole thing out, including my attitude, but then when it actually happens I'll act completely different. This also bothers me.

It's like I have no self control.

I have noticed that these things only happen when I'm talking to some one and I feel pressured, or when I'm in a situation that stresses me out. Even if theirs not much reason for me to be uncomfortable, and even if I want to be there, it still happens sometimes.

At least I have this blog. I'm so happy I kept it from over the summer, it holds so many memories. And everything in it's the truth! It's amazing, like I've kept a memory chip of all my true thoughts and feelings. I also love the way it shows how I've matured, even if I do have so far to go.

Love Always

2009-05-04T13:37:00.000-07:00

So I get carried away sometimes... I can understand that.

I'm lucky to have someone who doesn't think I'm a freak for it. I can also seriously appreciate that.

_________

I can't believe she was freaking out that much over her break up. I mean I was seriously worried about her, thinking her mom was terminal or something, but then I find out they her Boyfriend of like two days broke up with her? Come on hun, you can do so much better than that. She's lucky she had Leah as a friend. She's lucky I wasn't there, I would of loved her when she needed it non the less, but this week hasn't been my best, and I would of creamed her compared to how nice leah was to her about it. Leah just knows how to handel things like that, and the fact that Leah's actually been through a break up would help.

Get a grip Laura.

I use to look up to you, but lately I'm not sure. You fall so easily. At least when I break over a crush it's always over something long term.

Much lutz through Girl,
you know I'd still do anything for you,
'Melia

Worth Mentioning

2009-05-04T13:17:00.000-07:00

Stupid Lovers
Didn't they know it was worth ending their life together
So they could inhale toxins?

Fix This

2009-05-04T12:58:00.000-07:00

I've never written a note directly to any one in my life. I just realized that.

So, I feel like I'm a lot better. I had convinced myself of that, and was even slightly excited at the thought of seeing him by accident on my way off the bus, but then when I did see him, I automatically averted my eyes and started mentally freaking out for no apparent reason.

The only thing I can relate the feelings and actions exhibited at that second to are those of which I showed to Laura over those few months. This realization scares me very badly. I refuse to treat him like that, ever.

He said hello. He cares. I've finally gotten that into my head. I just need to figure myself out from here on out. I'm not sure what's gotten me into this mind set.

I feel like in fighting with myself.

He's done nothing wrong.

What's wrong with me?!

*sigh*

I will work on this. I swear to you Christopher. I'll try and stop waking you up. Even if I don't understand why you sleep so much....

listen

2009-05-03T17:36:00.000-07:00

So I want to make it clear that when I was listing off stuff that you do that scares me and at the end of it put "I just don't care!!!" I was talking about when you say you don't care anymore. I was not saying that I didn't care.

As soon as I entered that I regretted it because I knew you would take it the wrong way.

Then by putting "Then why don't you just tell me to shut the hell up!!" I seriously knew you had taken it the wrong way.

Sorry for any confusion. Hope you understood this one.

comming back to my sences

2009-05-03T12:44:00.000-07:00

stop freaking out
He loves you
you know that
so it's okay
you'll find someone else

you're not going to jump off a bridge

Breath...

untitled

2009-05-03T12:25:00.000-07:00

So would you kill yourself just to make a point.

Realize...

The Child Inside of Me.

2009-05-03T11:54:00.000-07:00

I don't want to talk to you anymore. It's the strangest thing though. I'm so use to talking to you that I start to get worried if I don't know you're okay-if I can't hear your voice. I guess it'll be good for me to get use to not having you with me all the time.

"I'm just a phone call away."

I can't believe he was with you. It makes me so angry. You value him so much. You can't help it. I realize that, but I'm so tired of being reasonable. I want to scream at you, endlessly. Really scream so loudly that you become deaf and cry and whine until you lose your voice and beg me or anyone to save you.

"If you don't want to say you're sorry then you don't have to."

I have to make sure you're breathing and happy, always. That feeling, that need, for you to be happy overpowers anything I've ever felt before.

"Just say the word and I'll disappear."

I'm being so immature.
I don't want to be reasonable anymore.
I want to scream and cry everything that runs through my head, and never regret any of it.
I want to jump off a cliff and feel every single drop of blood in my body splatter onto the ground.
I want to feel my bones break under the pressure that's been building up.
And I don't ever want to hear your voice again.
But I haven't lost my mind enough to think that my wants will over come my needs.

Please, don't leave.

_______________

So you want to know the real issue?

I love you to death and back, and I have ever since the first day I saw you. You know that. What you don't know is how much its really effected me that you don't even think I'm beautiful. I taught myself to become numb to my hearts feelings toward you so that I didn't have to face the fact that you were gay everyday. I couldn't deal with the fact that it truly was impossible for you to even want me. I couldn't deal with you, so (after I figured out that I couldn't change you) I slowly began to block it all out. I taught and told myself that I didn't need you. Sometimes I even convinced myself that I didn't want you, that I only stuck around because you needed me.

"You saved me"

So Would You Be Dead If It Wasn't For Me?

And will you miss me when I'm gone?

"I'm falling apart, and I blame you."

~

Christopher was never drowning me, you were.

And I loved you for it.

Truth, by the world standards.

2009-05-01T19:36:00.000-07:00

I do realize that I would be considered "Cheesy" by any one's standards.
I believe that there is no such thing, as long as you are honest, and more importantly from the heart, such truths should never be mocked.

Unlikelly (Stay With Me)

2009-05-01T18:58:00.000-07:00

Rereading I have realized I am not as good of a writer as I had though. He's right, I am amateur. I would delete it, but that would go against everything this represents.

I wish I had someone to hold.
It's all I've been able to think about all day...
Fantasizing...
is only fun for a small amount of time.
Small at least when you consider the length of life.
I don't like pretending like tonight either. It just didn't feel right.

Why do I suddenly feel like crying?
I have never feared it before, but I am starting to be deathly afraid of becoming like you. I never thought I would reach this point. Never thought it was even an option. I don't want my friends to worry about me that way we do you. Ever.

It has just occurred to me that this is how you have felt the whole time. You really didn't want us to worry, did you? I'm so sorry.

(Although, for the record, I have never regretted telling. I never will. I feel, in a small way, I have saved you, even if I am wrong. I don't believe I could ever admit such an accomplishment to myself.

I can only hope...you will do the same for me, when needed? If needed... please, I don't think I can deal with them again. I will trust you with my life, as I have my heart. I will try desperately not to cause you to have to make this decision. )

It's not even that I don't want life anymore, I'm not sure exactly what it is. I just have this urge...

Sticking myself with needles... will suffice.
Because everything in Moms cabinet taste horrid, and I don't like the way it made me feel.

_________

Pressing me up against the counter and blowing hot air onto my lips-wonderful
Sneaking back into the theater for one last hug-priceless
Your firm hold on my waist-The Most Beautiful Explicit I've Ever Experienced

And yet...you were there.
I never though you would wait for me
much less send me home wrapped in love
Forever, I have decided that I will always have you-The Unmistakable Love,
-The Unexpected Love
-I Have Never Experienced Anything Better

I never dreamed something like you could exist.
I never would have believe something like you did exist.
And if I had, I would of traded my soul to be able to call something like you my own.
But you didn't make me trade anything.

You have never ask anything of me
And you have most certainly never taken anything from me
Never have you turned me away for ignorance
Only taught me life's lessons
As only more that a true friend would
As only a _______.

In all honesty,
Amelia

Temptation

2009-04-29T18:19:00.000-07:00

There was something hidden in their eyes, something I would never be able to uncover. I had come to this conclusion, even if it did impale me. I had learned to accept it.

How could I not, when I knew that if I didn’t learn to live with such thoughts I would never be as close as I was now? Granted, I would always realize this was not as close as I would prefer, but I would also always remember that this was far better that most everything else. Distance was carbon monoxide in my lungs.

Dark eye lashes broke from their stair into the distance and interlocked with my own of pale color. I decided once still to over look the longing I could not satisfy that swam behind his irises, and knotted my fingers into the dark hair around his ears, feeling the familiar touch of cold metal on my skin from his many piercings. The air boiled between us. These seconds before were an agony even a virgin could feel.

Our lips pressed together, bursting with passion that made my pulse rise to extreme heights. It was something I had never experienced before and yet something that felt more natural that breathing. Part of me knew I was only in purgatory, and yet I still could not release the notion that this was heaven on earth.

___________

I was to learn how to control myself around these people
Only because you have
burned me so
I have no feeling left
how is it that you have forsaken me
of this love
I am alone
keep me breathing

teach me how to live on Earth again

Dearest, Christopher

2009-04-28T17:31:00.000-07:00

Alright, alright, so the whole not posting anymore is a lame idea. I mean seriously, it's not that big of a deal, and I can't seem to get myself to write as much as I blog. So, here I am. Open as usual.

Always Love,
Elizabeth

News

2009-04-26T19:05:00.000-07:00

Got a journal today. I'm not going to say for sure, but I'm probably going to start keeping the majority of my thoughts there instead of here. I'm not going to take this blog down, because It has so many memories attached to it. I guess I'm just kind weird about the fact that you know about this. It's like you're all I ever think about when I write here, and I don't like it. I feel like I can't always say everything I want to say, even though I know you would never judge me because of anything here.

If, by some chance, you ever find yourself wanting to read my journal, you should ask. Chances are that I won't mind. I find it very unlikely that you will wish too, but I think I should give still give you the option. You're the only one who ever listened, and I couldn't stand to think I should limit you from that.

I guess this means that I really did write this for you.... even if I didn't mean too.

Much love,
Amelia

Wake Up

2009-04-23T16:30:00.000-07:00

Stop Crying
Please Just...
Leave Me Alone.

Lead Me To A Place
Where I Find Peace

But Before,
Please Stop Telling Me
That That's Only
Going To Be Lonely
Please...
Just...
Teach Me How To Breath Again

Teach Me How To Break For You
Only You

Show Me Your Life Through Glass

Watch Me Burn

2009-04-23T16:21:00.000-07:00

I can't find reason to smile anymore. Every time I do become happy, something else goes wrong. He explodes again, all over everything around him. I was right. He really is my only issue. Without him, I never feel upset, and most of all I never worry. At the same time though, it's only with him, when I can see the life bursting out of his eyes, that I am truly willing to live.

I had placed everything on the thought, wish, that this feeling would pass. It's been two years though... and sometimes it seems like nothing has changed.

Considerations

2009-04-22T18:45:00.001-07:00

You've become a never ending affair, and I've decided that it's in my best interest end all communication between us. I'm disappointed with myself for reaching this state of mind, because I really don’t want it to end this way. I’ve just become so tired I suppose. All in all, I must say that without you I would be dead, literally. Your existence has helped me though the hardest thing I have ever experienced. There is no one else I have ever loved, or would rather have loved.

You can live without me though, and my greatest fear is reaching the point where I no longer enjoy you. Although you currently don't have what you need to be happy with yourself, I do believe, that if you find confidence in yourself, you will find it. If there's one thing I have learned from you, it's never to give up.
I also wish for you to know that even with my current actions, I will never regret my friendship with you. I has been wonderful, to say the least.

I hope your life is all you want it to be.

I will miss you, always.
_________________

Only, for now, what I will admit is a possibility.

I don't know you, but I want to.

2009-04-21T17:43:00.001-07:00

So I think now I will agree with you in saying that I truly do not know. Is Better to of Loved and Lost, That to of Never Loved at All?
I believe that this really is the question of life.

I'm So Sorry To Say...

Enjoying Life

2009-04-20T14:29:00.000-07:00

Hm...
So I'm like uber happy currently
I think it's because I'm listening to
Sugar Ray,
But still I
enjoy being like this

Thought seriously about
committing suicide,
Plugged in my iPod
got my journal and a pen
walked to the bridge.
Thought about how
the water is pretty down there.

I didn't really think
at all
on the way there
at least not about anything importiant
and when I got there
I was listening to
Alter Bridge
Thinking...
"Wonder
What's on the other side?"
I'd love to find out
and I still do
either way, I'll find out.
I find comfort knowing
That I can always jump if I want to.

Scaring people
is finally no where on my list
of things to do
so I don't really care what you think
if you're going to yell
because I love my bridge
and someday
I'll love the water below it.

:)

Gone Out the Window

2009-04-19T14:37:00.000-07:00

“You know nothing of me…” I scowled at her through dark eyelashes, fire burning in my throat after the words.

“Really?” One defined eyebrow raised in question, although it didn’t agree with her face, which told a story of knowing instead.

“Yes…really…” I began to feel myself being lost to her once again.

She walked to me, dark ringlets of hair flowing around her face and her lower back. The softest hands I’d ever felt floated to my face, thumbs making soft lines against my cheeks. The words whispered into my ear, “I’m not so sure I believe that.”

I broke, and found myself wondering how I could resist for this long. My hands found her torso, her waist, her hips, pressing my fingers into her young toned skin. It was not possible to resist. That was a conclusion I had long reached.

With guidance from me, she found her way backwards to the bed, resting on her back in the dark printed comforter. I straddled her waist, running my fingers through her hair, twisting them into knots in her essence. Lowering my head I whispered in her own ear, “Neither do I.”

And I’m finally realizing that sometimes Karen can be so unfair.
___

I'm happy currently. Scared, but happy. I know who I am in the long run. That will be what pulls me through. Someday, I will write from experience, instead of fantasy. I know I will.

All the love,
Elizabeth

Currently

2009-04-16T19:25:00.001-07:00

So glad for him
Even if it turns into nothing
Kid's uber great you know?
Haha, yeah Christopher,
Agreed!
But anyways,
That's about all currently
Keep you posted
'Kay?
Later Foo

Clearing That Up in Fear

2009-04-16T15:26:00.000-07:00

I'm not as bisexual as I though I was. Lets just go ahead and get that out. Strait up, I have loved a girl before. I know that, and will never say that is not true, but I have decided that I no longer feel the need to be categorized as a bisexual. I simply don't feel right about having put that label on myself.
I am not strait, and don't think I ever have been. Honestly, I don't know what I should be called as far as sexuality goes. I'm not half and half enough to be considered Bi, as I prefer guys, but I am not strait enough to be considered heterosexual. I don't even feel comfortable calling myself Pansexual.
I have no category, and I felt like it was time I cleared all that up.
Now... what to tell Mom and Dad... (I'm so scared, it's unbelievable)

notaboutyouanymore

2009-04-14T14:08:00.000-07:00

TheressomethingmissinginsideofmeandIdontthinkIcanfinditagain
Notwithoutyouherewithme
Noneofitevenmakessenceanymoreitjustdoesntseemtowanttoleaveme
themonsterinsideofmeitseatingmefromtheinsideout
WhatamIgoingtodoaboutit
IcantkillitIloveitbutatthesametimeIknowitwillbemyending
MaybeanendingiswhatIreallyneed.
Imsotiredofbeinginlovewithyou
Idontthinkyoulleverunderstand.

Phone Calls

2009-04-14T14:05:00.000-07:00

Hung up
rejected
called again
lost it
break
Please Keep Breaking
please
keep
leaving
me
Because I'm stating to go back to the way I use to be
and no one's ever going to care

Start crying on cue now
I think it's finally time...

Can't Help But Love It.

2009-04-13T14:51:00.000-07:00

Oh my, and how could I forget? We have both officially apologized to each other, her words being "I was a jerk" among others. I'm just so glad, it's unbelievable. Today she smiled at me, so I would say things really be getting back to normal(or as close as they will ever be) .

Her nails were painted a dark shade of red, which is totally new, but looked nice on her. She also wore a new pair of Speries(sp?), the first I've ever seen her in. They were blue, red, and a darker blue and red plaid (cute, I must admit). Other new things consisted of her bangs being swooped across her face in a semi-emo sort of fashion(also very... uh... destracting =] ) and a bit more eye make up(dark, as usual).

-So above you have me admitting that I do notice these things about her, and tend to remember them all in detail. I can't help it. Haha, it's just how I function.-

Catch ya later,
lutz,
Amelia

Here We Are

2009-04-13T13:35:00.000-07:00

I WILL NEVER BELIEVE YOU.
Because of the way to lie to me
so naturally.
And with the way you no longer
experience
all the life around you
I should consider leaving this all
behind me in the dust
because them maybe someone
would find it
and with it find me

I'll still love your more tomorrow.

2009-04-13T13:08:00.000-07:00

I never thought I would stand by and listen to a completely normal conversation about my friend killing them self. I never thought it wouldn't be considered odd for that to take place. I have come to see a new light, in realizing just how fragile human life is.

I've also come to realize that there may be nothing I can do about these occurrences, no matter how hard I try. I have come to believe that this may never change, but simply end. One way or another, such ideas will end. How this end will come to take place I'm never sure.

I'm scared. More scared that I think I have ever been about anything. Every time I see them though, it becomes more obvious that maybe, no matter how horrible and how much it hurts me, this end is what is really needed, or maybe more so what is actually deserved. Isn't it depressing, to think that someone's life could be so horrible, that death may actually be a better option?

Once again, I find myself wanting to spend every second with them. Not because of the same reason as before, but because I'm afraid of how many of those seconds may be left. I do not want them to leave me, or this world, but I know my true passion is that they would be happy. If it is truly impossible for them to gain such happiness, then the only reason for them to suffer in this life would be for those who love them. I do understand that depending on the level of suffering, such love may not be worth living for.

I can only pray that the right decision will be made.

Death will always be a part of life, but so will choice.

Please...
At least promise to consider.

To the inside

2009-04-01T13:45:00.000-07:00

Not sure what I should do with you.

She smiled at you today
Why can't I smile back?

No answers anymore

You should WAKE UP!
Because seriously
I can't deal with him without you
(He's killing me.)

My only escape is into you
But I think I've lost my key
Save me from myself
Before they realize what has already happened.

So much love botteled inside the lonely

2009-03-27T13:27:00.000-07:00

I hope he's okay...

God, I really hope so.

I almost considered telling him just to do it again, even though it does kill me when he does. I'd let him do anything, just if it would help. I'm not sure what stopped me, I could of pulled it off with out giving away what we talking about to everyone else. Now, I think I'm glad I didn't tell him that though, because if he started again, after doing so well all this time, I'm so scared he wouldn't be able to stop. What if he couldn't stop?

I think that's the worst I've ever seen him.
I hope, with all of my heart, that they can help him. No one should suffer from this.

(once again, I find myself thinking how small he makes my own problems seem)

I don't even know that anything triggered it this time, which is a complexity new fear for me. I didn't even think such a thing was possible.

I can't believe this... what if something happens to him?

How would I go on?

At this point, he doesn't love himself anymore. He just truly doesn't care. The only thing I can pray that keeps him alive is the thought that He is out there, waiting for Zac to find him ( and that he is looking too). I know He's there, I can just feel it. All I can hope is that He's realized, and is enough to keep him waiting, suffering. I know once they meet he won't regret having suffered, but I also know how easy it is to forget that you do have reason to live anymore.

It's a lot to ask someone to suffer like this, when you truly can not promise their life to be worth living in their own eyes, I just hope, more that anything, that something tells him to wait it out. That everything will get better, that it is worth it, and that he just has to wait a little bit longer.

I really do love you, forever.
(and yes, I am talking to you)

Someday? Maybe...

2009-03-16T12:54:00.000-07:00

How do you miss something that you never experienced?

I'm not sure if I regret that, but at the same time I think I should.
I bet half of these blogs don't make any since
ha
ha
That's... different

I can't fall asleep anymore with out hugging a pillow, and pretending that some one is there to hold me.

I look like a stereotype. All I need now is some black eyeliner.

I know what tattoo I want. I drew it the other day. It's so me. I like it
It's like the only thing I've done this week that I actually like.
--
She's right. I am scared of having a relationship with anyone. That's the reason I always fall for people that I never have a chance with. She's so right, I can't believe it. I can't believe I'm like that.
That's why I scare people. So that they stay away from me and I don't even have to risk them loving me.
How could I sit around doing this to myself? I mean, what kind of person doesn't want to be loved?
I do want to be loved though. I really do. It's all I ever dream about, and all I ever think about.
It is. I know it is.

So, what's wrong with me?

How am I going to stop pushing them away?

God, I hope I find it.

Blackbird Fly Away

2009-03-11T18:31:00.000-07:00

I talked to Leah, Laura's best friend. They hang out all the time, and tell each other everything.

I sent a text to Leah later that night and told her what I'd done. She said Laura hadn't said anything to her about it. She said Laura had been really scared of the whole situation. She said it was a very big step for Laura to even speak to me. She said I'd done the right thing by apologizing.

I told her I just wanted Laura to be herself again. To be happy again.

Leah said she was.
I'm not sure I believe that.

She's seemed so different since all this happened, but maybe it's only because I pay more attention to her now.

I told Leah the truth. Told her that I would do anything if it would cause Laura to be even slightly more comfortable with the situation.

Laura hasn't said anything to me. She hasn't done anything from her usual.

I just need her to be happy. To be herself.
Because I really would do anything...

Ms. Abney

2009-03-09T17:49:00.000-07:00

I called her
Apologized
with all my heart
She didn't answer
but I left a message
short and sweet
"I'm sorry"
That's really all there is too it...

She's always really been the world to me, but I'd always had someone else to obsess over, someone else to love with all my mind. But when that ended, and he became more of a brother, I began to fall right back too her. I wanted her so badly, it was incredible. I ended up doing what ever it took to get close to her, and begin to treat her like more that a friend to me. That's when things really came down.

"I was never your girl friend."

We fell apart. She was disgusted with me, even if at the time I had never actually technically said I felt anything for her. She's a very intelligent human being, she knew better that I did that I liked her.

"I LOVE you...
I've loved you sence the 5th grade."

"WOH, You were a real bitch to me in 5th grade!"

~insert sappy love story here~
~insert her hanging up and me still talking

I called back, she picked up, and wouldn't talk. I talked.
I called back, she didn't pick up. I talked to her answering machine.
again
and again
and again
I told her answering machine about everything.

For a long time, she wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't even look at me.
Then one day I said "Hi," as she walked past me. She gave me a truly confused look and kept walking, only because she didn't know what to say.
In math, every once in a while, she will talk to me, but only about math.

"I got 42..." (I had gotten 46. I was wrong.)

She smiled and laughed at one of my jokes one day last month.

Maybe, one day, we'll be friends again.

When I look to the sky, something tells me you're here with me.

2009-03-08T21:35:00.000-07:00

I'm lonely. But... At the same time, I'm willing to wait.

I don't feel like giving up.

Not yet, I mean I could be really close? You know?

How could I risk giving up when there is still a chance?
Just the slightest spark...
Of hope.

I pray to find you every night, that you will be safe and stay safe. That you will be happy.

That we will find each other, and be together forever.

Until then, I pray that you laugh until your sides hurt
Smile until you your face goes numb
Dream like there will always be a tomorrow
Live like the worlds ending
and love like today is your last day.

Love Them

2009-03-06T19:03:00.000-08:00

I'm lonely. I miss her. I should of called her, but I didn't. Called him instead, lost myself in the phone. The music. My other life.

I'm choking.
At least it's a relief from my usual suffocating.

I'm tired of calling you dear.

2009-03-04T17:51:00.000-08:00

I want to curl up in a corner somewhere I've never been and go into a coma
But I know all I'd do is feel claustrophobic.

I almost started crying in class today. I just got to thinking about things too much. I over blew what they said, I know I did, but it was still to much to ignore. What if it really did happen? What would I do. In thinking about it so much, I finally cam to the conclusion that I would do something permanent to myself, something I'd die with, as to know I would never forget them. That's the only way I would be okay enough not to die from it, to know that some part of them was wrapped up inside of me. Forever.
It would be so horrible to lose them.
I can't imagine.

Time does heal all wounds though. I've learned that much.

I'm so tired of life.

Infections

2009-03-03T18:13:00.000-08:00

My Infections are taking over my mind.

-I had a dream about her again last night, and this one makes it 3 in one week. (A new record for my obsessions) She was with me, and we were talking, and smiling. She forgave me, and didn't love me but she accepted me. The dream finally confirmed, that's all I really want, her forgiveness.
Still, every time I see her, I fall even farther in love with her. It's so true. Just the way she moves draws me to her.
I can't touch her
I can't talk to her
and I can't breath her air
But I will always love her.-

-He is just as bad as he has ever been. The same as usual. I've been dealing with it for over a year and a half now, and I've finally become numb enough that I don't cry over it any more.
He's killing himself, I can see that. But he's not as bad as he use to be. Maybe, just maybe, I'm helping him in some way.
I don't even have enough emotion to care anymore.
His existence burns me, to my very core, but I will always love him. I can't help it. I'm drawn to him.
He cares, and he's doing nothing wrong, it's just that he still doesn't complete the space he's created. These huge gaping holes inside of me that grow deeper by the second. I'm truly starting to believe that no one ever complete me.
I still need him.
It doesn't matter. I'm a slave to him.
I'll be here as long as he needs me.
But some part of me is still terrified that I won't be able to leave quietly when that time comes.-

My greatest fear is becoming something you no longer enjoy having around.

Willing to listen...

2009-02-23T14:25:00.000-08:00

I can't stop watching her, it's so annoying. It's been how many months? Isn't this suppose to end!? I can't deal with it much longer. Every time my heart beats, it's just pushing the poison farther and farther through my veins. Sooner or later it's going to get to me.

God help them when that day comes.

But more than anything...

Please keep her safe.

Dear Christopher (Love? No)

2009-02-23T14:13:00.000-08:00

I lost myself
to you
I hate you
It was only
3 seconds, about,
granted
but still, that's enough time
to pull the trigger
For you to kill me
Like I know you would
You're evil
(Do you have any idea what that would do to them?!)
You're heartless
and you're starting...

...to scare me

Unsure...

2009-02-22T13:05:00.000-08:00

I'm in my own little world. I do love you so, who ever you are.
You told of when I am 29, about the love we should share.
But in the same, you told me that we would not be happy.
That you would love me,
and I you,
and that we would not get a divorce.
You would not inform me of chilrden. I will live.

Also, they have told me that he will be happy.
I am so glad!
At age 27 they've told me (I will be sure to have my piercings done!)
And the boy of his dreams, forever
It could not be any better.

last night I had a dream She was killed
I was walking around in the room she had been staying in
It was compleatly white, with little furnature
There were red blood streaks all over the white carpet
It was a nightmare

I will be married at age 29
To the man of my dreams
*squeak*
I am still a girl at heart?! Yes, always&forever

Hm... I'm am not ready to leave yet.
Oh, I had so much fun last night.
There was mud on the roof inside moms car
I wonder how that got there?
And I think his grandfather likes me, at least a little.
He smiled at me, and he did what I ask. I was so glad.
Phht, like I was about to let him go an hour early.

7 1/2= hysterical
:p

I can not wait to for Klayton to arrive!!

I love my friends
they are so amazing

Happy Birthday Christopher

2009-02-20T19:13:00.000-08:00

Ah, my love. Nice to see you again.

She is dating him, and I think she is happy... well...she doesn't seem upset.

Alright, break it down?
I'm so heartbroken I can hardly breath. Everything I experience reminds me of her, even him. Every step I take is like having bamboo shoved under my fingernails. The only thing I can even seem to find worth living a decent life for is her. I want nothing more than for her to be happy. And that is all I want.

To be continued...

Hm, Christopher

2009-02-14T19:25:00.000-08:00

He is lovely, isn't he?

Yes, much worth keeping. Love him.

And you keep making me forget these small things, my love, why is it that you enjoy only such a level of torture?

She is... happy... I think.
I am so glad.

Yours,
Elizabeth

PS: He mentioned it. It really sent me off guard. We had never really talked about it before, and then he mentioned it. I almost think I heard him wrong, but I don't think so. Hm... Is this good? I, actually, for once, am not sure, but I don't think it is bad.

L.K.A.~ Dearest Love She's Killing Me

2009-02-09T13:24:00.000-08:00

Christopher, Love....
I can not stop thinking about her. No matter how much it hurts me, I can not end this agony. I know what is best for her, and I am doing everything I can to become that; nonexistent. I do wonder though, will I ever be happy?

It's so confusing. I do love her, but I don't want to date her, I know that's not what she wants. I want her life to be wonderful, beyond it even. I want her to experience everything she has ever wished to understand, and to come to realize the beauty in things she has never even imagined possible. Her every thought is more valuable than gold to me. Every time she moves, it makes me melt. Every word she says is tattooed into my heart.

Isn't love cruel?

She is... so beautiful though. It is worth it all, just to see her smile.

I can't breath without her, but if it means her even slightly content, not even happy, just content, then will disappear forever.

All of my energy has gone in to that promise. I will disappear forever from her life. I'm doing the best I can.

Everything I see, hear and touch reminds me of her. It's so horrid, and yet I can't help but see the world through her ecstasy.

So twisted, isn't it?

Until never, Christopher.

2009-02-02T06:35:00.000-08:00

My life is... everlasting it seems. I'm not sure if I'm happy with it.

I feel so unloved, ha. It's about time I felt something.
But, the question still remains, do I really want to be loved? It seems it is more of a burden then anything wonderful. All the time I would be thinking of it, when I should be with the outside world.

Although, I do seem to remember being taught that reality is better than I may imagine. I remember that I learned that somewhere along the lines of my pail insanity of a life, but I can not recall the feeling itself. My mind is as blank as my heart.

Depressing, isn't it?

Hm... well, I'll wait I guess. It's not like I'm going anywhere, and even if I did I would never be able to kill the possibility of finding it. That is the world, and I have no control over it.

Again,
Elizabeth

Christopher...

2009-01-24T22:08:00.001-08:00

Truth-
She is amazing, all of her. I do love her. Why though, why must I be so screwed over in the head? Why can't I tell anyone that I love her? Why did I scream at her? I never scream at any one that I love. Why did it have to be her I broke to? Why couldn't it of been someone I don't need as much? Why did I have to be so immature? I've lost her forever.
I'm truly dead to her. When she looks at me she sees nothing. Not even a single speck of hate flickers in the back of her mind. It's so horrible. I never though such true agony could exist.
I never would of imagined, even if I had though such a feeling could be real, that I would experience it.

It's so horrible. The way I fall into their thoughts. I am useless, and deserve to burn in hell only because of the people I love. Because of the label that I have. Isn't that horrid, that I finally really believe that? How!?!? Why have I come to believe them with such a passion!? I would never believe that he should deserve such a thing, and yet I have come to believe that I do deserve it. It is unbearable. The thoughts I have that I am so evil, only because of who I am. Only because of what I can't control. Only because of who I love.

I will never tell one living soul.

I will love alone forever.

Only because I am a living fault.

Dreaming, Christopher

2009-01-24T21:50:00.000-08:00

Woh, More post then I ever intended to have.

It's almost 1 am, why am I never tired?

Insomniac.

Hip-hop~Lifesaver

I've forgotten what I wanted to say.

Why do I have the strongest urge for wires to be shoved through my skin?!?

There's something moderately wrong with my brain, Christopher. I keep forgetting things.
Are you ever going to advance my knowledge on my abilities? I mean really..
I want a tattoo, but I only want it because I... Well I'm really not sure why I want it.
Ouch
Kabluey

Wouldn't it be wonderful, to have all of my wildest fantasizes come true.
I wonder if any of those dreams will ever come true.
I wish I knew were those drawings were. You know, the ones I drew after I had that dream so that I wouldn't forget the dream. It worked too, I've never forgotten the pictures, therefore I can still remember the dream very well compared to others.
There are a few others though, that had the same nightmare feeling to them, that I did not draw that I still remember very well. The main one I'm thinking of though I had multiple times. So maybe that's why I still remember it so well.

I wonder why I played Dom in that one dream, when I obviously wouldn't in that relationship in real life. Maybe it's a sign, maybe it's just a strange dream.

Why do I never curse?
Fuck

Wonderful dreams,
Elizabeth

PS-I'm so screwed over lately. I love it.

What if, Love?

2009-01-23T20:52:00.000-08:00

What if he really is out there right now?
breathing
waiting
thinking
What if I'm everything he's ever wanted?
dreamed of
needed
What if he already loves me, he just doesn't know who I am?
really wants me
kind of needs me
What if I actually do meet him?
see him
touch him
What if I love him?
burn with desire
need his touch
can't live with out him

What if we never find each other?

Forever Mine, Christopher

2009-01-23T19:39:00.000-08:00

Only in my dreams Christopher-I am never happy anymore. It is so purely annoying, and nothing more. I wonder... how long will it be again? I am not ready, I can tell you that. I haven't even tried lately. It's no use, or at least that's what you're telling me.
I don't know where you get these strange accusations, but I've learned to trust in you with them. You are always right, no questions ask. There is one thing about it that makes it different from the imagined though; the fact that I never realize it when I see it. It is always simply a thought that I have, and I never think anymore about it then I would a normal thought. Its so strange, I would of never imagined it to happen that way, but that's how it is.

God, don't I miss it though! I'm so lonely without it. I mean granted, I have you, but you know what I mean. Actually, it seems you miss it too. It gave me more energy, even if it was directed in the wrong places. I felt alive when I had it.

Today, she actually touched me, and it was so unexpected. It was so wonderful, just the idea of her. Then she touched the witch, and I could sincerely feel a fire in my nerves to kill the witch. After all she has done, to both him and I, she's the last person I need to see her arms around. She has no clue of my feelings though (only green as they may be) therefore I can not blame her. She is only being herself.
Curse this bloody dark hole of mine, I have lost all that is dear. Yet, with all of this, I am still unsure which I would rather harbor.

Is it worth the pain just to have the feeling again?

My Dearest Love, Christopher James

2009-01-20T18:21:00.001-08:00

It has been much too long hasn't it? Yes, indeed. I miss you, you are so silent these days, sleeping inside of me as a moth eating my insides. To you I would guess they are no better than cotton now. As usual though, I am cursed with the blessing of not caring. I suppose that is love isn't it? To watch yourself die in the honor of anothers fulfillment of life. You will always be my greatest love, as you have saved me.

Lately though, I feel more and more like breaking away, and I crindge away from you in saying so. I will not scream at you, I promise. There are so few I would say that to, therefor I will for once take the step of telling you to honor youself. I am your slave of free will. No longer will I hide behind your rein. You know my feelings for you, even if I don't. All I am asking is that you prepair yourself. The time has come for change.

Long live,
Elizabeth

My dearest Christopher,

2009-01-09T20:43:00.000-08:00

I have come to see why you wished for me to keep posting even when I though I had you. The truth is that you are your own, and I will never actually have you. Maybe that is why I love you so much, because you are finally your own to me.

Next time,
Elizabeth

Christopher, My love, My hope, Hello Again

2008-12-03T19:41:00.001-08:00

Oh my love, How long has it been? I promise, if my overseers come through, and I am correct, then I will write to you everyday. Already, with just the typing of a few words, I can fee you pulsing through me again. It is wonderful. I have no idea how I have lived with out it for so long. I'm so ecstatic to be back.
So, an update that I'm unsure you need. I was reading through the previous post from the summer, and I was in astounded at some of them, how much my thinking has.... matured. I'm was so scared of losing the thing I loved and needed most, and now I have not felt that longing to be within that atmosphere again all year. I am the best of friends with him now! I still love him, but in a different way. I've never felt this love before, and I think I like it. It's so... sweet, and truly loving. I want him to live a wonderful life, and to enjoy every second of it to the fullest extent. Before, I would of said that I wanted that for him, but there was always the fear of losing him that was in the way of there being honest truth behind the statement. I can't believe how close I actually feel to him, and the way he seems to value me like he never seemed to before.
Now that I think about it, it seems like the sickening love I felt for him then was like a Scratched up screen between us, always keeping me from seeing him for his real beauty, and keeping our relationship under binds. If there's one thing I know, it's that I enjoy and like our friendship so much more now than I ever dreamed I would.
My dearest, I have once again been taught something by him (although he has no idea that he is a teacher).
He has showed me that reality is so much better than my mind.

I will always love him for that, because he is wonderful. He is the brother I never ask for, and the love that I always needed.

Please, keep him safe my Christopher James.

With the deepest of passion,
Elizabeth

To, No One

2008-08-23T18:15:00.000-07:00

I'm so pathetic for writing this entire thing.

So why won't I delete it?

Christopher,

2008-08-04T23:07:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired... I don't know what has happened. Have you retreated into me, and caused these strange feelings that I seem to be in love with. I'm not sure. I do love them though, no matter how they have come to be.

I still miss our conversations. When are you coming back for a longer visit? I would do anything, just to feel you again. The real you.

Christopher,

2008-07-23T19:31:00.001-07:00

You want me to post, but I have no idea what to say.

I hope this is good enough.

Please come back Christopher

2008-07-19T22:04:00.000-07:00

I need you. Please...

I miss you Christopher

2008-07-17T21:14:00.000-07:00

I really do, but I don't seem to need you as much. Is that why you left me, because you knew I would no longer need you? You do see though, that I will always need you. I will always come back to you.

I still love you.

I still need you.

I don't understand you, my dearest. You have become somewhat of an addiction.

Deepest love,
Your Elizabeth

Dear, Christopher

2008-07-07T19:57:00.000-07:00

You have given me the greatest gift.

Therefore, I probably won't post here much more. I have you now.

I will still post some though, when it's safe.

Because that is your wish.

Dear, Unknown

2008-07-01T13:49:00.000-07:00

I'm becoming afraid of you. I don't know what to do. I can't leave you, won't leave you. I love you. I need you. I so incredibly afraid that I'm going to lose him to you though. I couldn't stand for that either, not when you have given me so many insights to him. I don't understand what you are doing, or why you're even here. I would never have been this alive without you, but I'm starting to wonder if your coming is tempting fate. Sometimes I'm so ecstatic that you found me, but other times I... wish you had never come. I don't want to continue to live in these alternate worlds. I know I'll lose him. I can't lose him. I can't live without him. Please, try to understand. Please try to help me from within.

Dear, My Christopher

2008-07-01T08:23:00.000-07:00

I had the most wonderful dream last night. It's the second time in a row that I've dreamed about him, but I don't mind. He's wonderful.

It's not really him though. I've decided that It's only him on the outside, and not him on the inside, at least not completely. I'm not sure who it really is, but I know I already love them. They are amazing and I can't wait until the day I find them. I will never give up.

Thank you so much, My Christopher James. I know it is you that is giving me these dreams, and the will that comes with them. I have no idea what I would have done without you.

I love you, forever. You are my guardian angel, and I could not live without you.

Sweetest love and dreams,
Elizabeth

Dear, Unknown

2008-06-29T20:57:00.000-07:00

Why don't I know where I am?
Why don't I know what I'm here for?
Why don't I understand who I am?
Why do I understand the things that aren't there?
Why don't I understand the things that are real?

I'm so scared.

Why did it have to be me?

Please, whoever you are...

...help me.

Please help me find a way out.

Dear, Christopher James

2008-06-20T19:39:00.000-07:00

Why do I always do this to myself? It's just like before. I hate it.

I've come back, Christopher

2008-06-18T18:34:00.001-07:00

Hm... I don't really know what to say now. I'm still happy, but other than that nothing has changed.
I sort of wish he would ask about you, because part of me wants him to read this blog. The other half of me knows that I've already told him to much for my own good. He's so sweet though, I don't know what it would take to make him say goodbye. I'm very thankful for that, but I just can't seem to get use to it. I keep expecting to wake up one morning and him just be gone. I don't know why I think that way, I guess it's just me. I'm always afraid the things I love most are going to leave me. It's very strange, because nothing has ever really left me, just not been so prominent in my life. Hopefully it's something I'll grown out of.

All my love,
Elizabeth

Oh, Chistopher!

2008-06-18T15:38:00.000-07:00

I haven't been this happy in so long! I can't believe it! It's the most amazing feeling ever, I don't know how I've lived without it. I could have never imagined that one simple thing could bring me this much pleasure. It's Truly Amazing!!

So much love my dearest,
I promise to return later

<3!

Dear, Christopher

2008-06-17T15:42:00.000-07:00

This is pointless.

I'm going to go light something on fire.

Dear, Christopher

2008-06-14T20:05:00.000-07:00

I think not talking to him has helped. At this moment, I feel like an actual friend to him, not some crazed in love idiot. It feels good to know that maybe there's hope for us to still be friends. I really do hope so. I want to be able to be there for him, as a friend. I hope he can accept me.

Dear, Christopher

2008-06-11T15:40:00.000-07:00

I acted off impulse again last night. I got out of bed at about 11 and went and told mom I wanted to go back to counseling. It's not that I regret it, at least not yet, I just wish I had given it more thought. When I told her she gave my this strange look. She told me that I couldn't just go to socialize with Mrs. Camp, that it was serious. That was the last thing I expected, and I still don't really know what she meant by it. I don't know when I will understand her reasoning behind those words. I take counseling very serious, and I trust it. I want to go back because I'm falinng back into that black hole. Where nothing is real, and life's just a dream. I love it when I'm there, because it's all I know, and when I wake up it's all like a dream, only it affects my life.

I'm starting to fall apart on the outside...again.

Oh My Sweatest, Christopher

2008-06-11T05:21:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry for my explosions. Sometimes I simply can't control myself. I will never give up, you know that. I love you. Always and Forever.

Dear, Christopher

2008-06-10T18:57:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired of living without you. I'm sorry.

Dear, Christopher

2008-06-10T14:49:00.000-07:00

I miss you. I dead without you. It's always my fault. I hate myself.

Please come back to me.

Dear, Christopher

2008-06-08T20:40:00.000-07:00

Every time I look at him, I see someone else. I see him, a beautiful image and physical being before me, but not the person I love. I've fallen in love with his mind, the things he wants and thinks about, the way he thinks and the emotions he feels, not the person who he will go through life looking in the mirror at. The only problem with that is the possibility that he, the one I've fall in love with, isn't real. The possibility that he only exist to me, and I have created him in my mind. It's true that the person I see in real life does have all the same characterizations, but he will never be the person I fantasize about, not completely. I don't really know him well enough to know what he would do if the things I think about happened in real life. Therefor I fill his actions and emotions in with what I want them to be, and they sometimes makes me think that he isn't real, that the person I love is only real to me, in my head. Is it possible that I have fallen in love with someone who doesn't exist?

Dear, Christopher

2008-06-08T16:27:00.000-07:00

Every time I look in the mirror, I feel like I'm looking at someone else. Every time I get up and get dressed, I feel like I'm dressing up a doll. Every time I think about telling someone something emotional, I know they will never see me for what I truly feel. I shouldn't look like this, it's so far from being what I should be, it amazes me every time I see myself. How could others think they know me, much less love me, with this mask hiding everything I am? It kills me to think that I will never be excepted for what I am, because of the body I'm cursed to live in.

Oh My Dearest, Christopher

2008-06-07T19:07:00.001-07:00

I'm so scared. I miss them so much, I'm afraid of my weaknesses becoming unbearable. Mother ask me about them earlier, and I had to hide my face so she wouldn't see my eyes swelling up. What if I never find them, or worse, what if I do and they're already gone? What if they've already left me? Then there will be no choice, and I'm scared of the fact that I already know that. It would be so wonderful though, beyond wonderful, to have them though. I couldn't imagine, not at all. All I know for sure is that I will wait. The day I know their fate is the day mine will be decided. I will wait forever though, no matter what happens, I could never give up on them. They are the reason I exist.

Dear, Christopher

2008-06-06T21:55:00.001-07:00

I'm tired of looking at his pictures... well I should be tired of looking at them anyway. I just tired in general I guess. I should probably go to bed.

Goodnight,
Christopher

Dear, Christopher

2008-06-05T21:03:00.000-07:00

Today was slightly interesting. I've decided that I no longer like them, and that they are like fireworks. Fascinating at first, and eventually die out, but always beautiful. I will always love fireworks.