I'm dieing to talk to him.
I'll be honest and admit it.
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So I had this very long dream a few nights ago. I haven't been able to get on and tell you about it though. Sorry.
I would tell you about it in story format as usual, but I'm too tired. Maybe later.
It was me and a few friends. We had just gotten to the condo we were staying in at the beach. He showed up, and right behind him was his love.
I knew he was bringing him, but my god. I had no idea he would be the most beautiful person I had ever seen.
So smart and fashion forward, sophisticated, alive. They fit together so well. It was truly unbelievable. I could see them together forever. He was (with the exception of her) the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
He had a child in his arms though. Weird right? yeah. I didn't ask questions. you could tell that he loved this kid, a baby girl actually. it was his child.
she had golden hair, and blue eyes.
We all hung out on the beach for a few days, and one day I was holding her, the baby. she was so sweet. young and playful.
Then suddenly a huge wave came up over the beach, hitting her and I. I held onto her for the first few waves, but they kept attacking us, almost hitting the high rises up on the edge of the beach. then one more hit, and when the water washed away, she was gone.
after the waves it took me a while to find him, because he had actually gone missing also. finally me and a friend found him, his lover standing behind us worried as all get out. we pulled him from the sand he was covered in, and of course he rushed into his lover arms. they held each other, and eventually they parted and I pulled him aside.
I told him the baby had been washed from my hands, that I had lost her. we didn't tell his lover, knowing that he would fall apart. we searched for hours for her.
we couldn't find her though. we went back to the condo and bit our nails, holding back our greatest fears. what if his lovers child had been washed away into the ocean?
What if she had been lost?
we went back out to look, and when we were about to give up for sure, I looked up and saw a man sitting in his window, over looking the ocean. I went to him and as him if he had seen a small child.
he pointed out toward the sea, and I followed his gaze to a small long strip of land about 100 feet into the ocean from where I stood. there were a few adults on the island, although it was completely barren of plants and I had no idea how they had gotten out there.
Then, amongst the adults, I saw a toddler walking about looking lost, but not scared. and I screamed in joy, it was her! We had found her, and she was alive!
I pointed her out to him and we both rushed for the edge of the water, then begain waideing into the ocean yelling her name. she begain toward us, her arms extended. he got to her first, takeing his lovers child in his arms, kissing her head and squeazeing the life out of her.
The End
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I need this... break... if that's what you would call it.
It teaches me value. I had begun take his preasence for granted. For some reason I just don't want to let myself start get use to his being there. I always forced myself to tell my heart that he wouldn't be there, so now when he is my brain still wants to think that. The idea of letting myself settle into him is unbelievable.
He has been there for so much longer that I thought he would though. And I had started to take his presence for granted. Started to maybe think that he won't leave. I can't think that, ever. It would be the end of me.
So by leaving him for a while I starve myself. It teaches me to enjoy him more when he's there, and never be mean to him.
That's what really made me see that I needed to do this, the way I had began to somtimes get mad at him. He never deserves that. No matter what, especialy from me.
(He has bigger things to deal with than me.)
(And he should never have to put up with me.)
It's not what you'd want me to say, or think. The small, powerful, part of me that really
can see you knows that.
My heart... it just tries so hard to tell me differently... that's the only thing it puts effort into anymore... makeing sure it's not hurt again...
No matter how careing the person is, and no matter how much my mind knows they won't hurt me, my heart always knows best, always knows that even though they may not hurt me, it's but better safe that sorry.
Usually it's just me hurting myself though.
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Part of me still knows that I really starve myself for a compleatly different reason though...
because it's all I know how to do anymore.
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I hope you sleep well.
