Temptation

There was something hidden in their eyes, something I would never be able to uncover. I had come to this conclusion, even if it did impale me. I had learned to accept it.

How could I not, when I knew that if I didn’t learn to live with such thoughts I would never be as close as I was now? Granted, I would always realize this was not as close as I would prefer, but I would also always remember that this was far better that most everything else. Distance was carbon monoxide in my lungs.

Dark eye lashes broke from their stair into the distance and interlocked with my own of pale color. I decided once still to over look the longing I could not satisfy that swam behind his irises, and knotted my fingers into the dark hair around his ears, feeling the familiar touch of cold metal on my skin from his many piercings. The air boiled between us. These seconds before were an agony even a virgin could feel.

Our lips pressed together, bursting with passion that made my pulse rise to extreme heights. It was something I had never experienced before and yet something that felt more natural that breathing. Part of me knew I was only in purgatory, and yet I still could not release the notion that this was heaven on earth.

___________

I was to learn how to control myself around these people
Only because you have
burned me so
I have no feeling left
how is it that you have forsaken me
of this love
I am alone
keep me breathing

teach me how to live on Earth again

Dearest, Christopher

Alright, alright, so the whole not posting anymore is a lame idea. I mean seriously, it's not that big of a deal, and I can't seem to get myself to write as much as I blog. So, here I am. Open as usual.

Always Love,
Elizabeth

News

Got a journal today. I'm not going to say for sure, but I'm probably going to start keeping the majority of my thoughts there instead of here. I'm not going to take this blog down, because It has so many memories attached to it. I guess I'm just kind weird about the fact that you know about this. It's like you're all I ever think about when I write here, and I don't like it. I feel like I can't always say everything I want to say, even though I know you would never judge me because of anything here.

If, by some chance, you ever find yourself wanting to read my journal, you should ask. Chances are that I won't mind. I find it very unlikely that you will wish too, but I think I should give still give you the option. You're the only one who ever listened, and I couldn't stand to think I should limit you from that.

I guess this means that I really did write this for you.... even if I didn't mean too.

Much love,
Amelia

Wake Up

Stop Crying
Please Just...
Leave Me Alone.

Lead Me To A Place
Where I Find Peace

But Before,
Please Stop Telling Me
That That's Only
Going To Be Lonely
Please...
Just...
Teach Me How To Breath Again

Teach Me How To Break For You
Only You

Show Me Your Life Through Glass

Watch Me Burn

I can't find reason to smile anymore. Every time I do become happy, something else goes wrong. He explodes again, all over everything around him. I was right. He really is my only issue. Without him, I never feel upset, and most of all I never worry. At the same time though, it's only with him, when I can see the life bursting out of his eyes, that I am truly willing to live.

I had placed everything on the thought, wish, that this feeling would pass. It's been two years though... and sometimes it seems like nothing has changed.

Considerations

You've become a never ending affair, and I've decided that it's in my best interest end all communication between us. I'm disappointed with myself for reaching this state of mind, because I really don’t want it to end this way. I’ve just become so tired I suppose. All in all, I must say that without you I would be dead, literally. Your existence has helped me though the hardest thing I have ever experienced. There is no one else I have ever loved, or would rather have loved.

You can live without me though, and my greatest fear is reaching the point where I no longer enjoy you. Although you currently don't have what you need to be happy with yourself, I do believe, that if you find confidence in yourself, you will find it. If there's one thing I have learned from you, it's never to give up.
I also wish for you to know that even with my current actions, I will never regret my friendship with you. I has been wonderful, to say the least.

I hope your life is all you want it to be.

I will miss you, always.
_________________

Only, for now, what I will admit is a possibility.

I don't know you, but I want to.

So I think now I will agree with you in saying that I truly do not know. Is Better to of Loved and Lost, That to of Never Loved at All?
I believe that this really is the question of life.

I'm So Sorry To Say...

Enjoying Life

Hm...
So I'm like uber happy currently
I think it's because I'm listening to
Sugar Ray,
But still I
enjoy being like this

Thought seriously about
committing suicide,
Plugged in my iPod
got my journal and a pen
walked to the bridge.
Thought about how
the water is pretty down there.

I didn't really think
at all
on the way there
at least not about anything importiant
and when I got there
I was listening to
Alter Bridge
Thinking...
"Wonder
What's on the other side?"
I'd love to find out
and I still do
either way, I'll find out.
I find comfort knowing
That I can always jump if I want to.

Scaring people
is finally no where on my list
of things to do
so I don't really care what you think
if you're going to yell
because I love my bridge
and someday
I'll love the water below it.

:)

Gone Out the Window

“You know nothing of me…” I scowled at her through dark eyelashes, fire burning in my throat after the words.

“Really?” One defined eyebrow raised in question, although it didn’t agree with her face, which told a story of knowing instead.

“Yes…really…” I began to feel myself being lost to her once again.

She walked to me, dark ringlets of hair flowing around her face and her lower back. The softest hands I’d ever felt floated to my face, thumbs making soft lines against my cheeks. The words whispered into my ear, “I’m not so sure I believe that.”

I broke, and found myself wondering how I could resist for this long. My hands found her torso, her waist, her hips, pressing my fingers into her young toned skin. It was not possible to resist. That was a conclusion I had long reached.

With guidance from me, she found her way backwards to the bed, resting on her back in the dark printed comforter. I straddled her waist, running my fingers through her hair, twisting them into knots in her essence. Lowering my head I whispered in her own ear, “Neither do I.”

And I’m finally realizing that sometimes Karen can be so unfair.
___

I'm happy currently. Scared, but happy. I know who I am in the long run. That will be what pulls me through. Someday, I will write from experience, instead of fantasy. I know I will.

All the love,
Elizabeth

Currently

So glad for him
Even if it turns into nothing
Kid's uber great you know?
Haha, yeah Christopher,
Agreed!
But anyways,
That's about all currently
Keep you posted
'Kay?
Later Foo

Clearing That Up in Fear

I'm not as bisexual as I though I was. Lets just go ahead and get that out. Strait up, I have loved a girl before. I know that, and will never say that is not true, but I have decided that I no longer feel the need to be categorized as a bisexual. I simply don't feel right about having put that label on myself.
I am not strait, and don't think I ever have been. Honestly, I don't know what I should be called as far as sexuality goes. I'm not half and half enough to be considered Bi, as I prefer guys, but I am not strait enough to be considered heterosexual. I don't even feel comfortable calling myself Pansexual.
I have no category, and I felt like it was time I cleared all that up.
Now... what to tell Mom and Dad... (I'm so scared, it's unbelievable)

notaboutyouanymore

TheressomethingmissinginsideofmeandIdontthinkIcanfinditagain
Notwithoutyouherewithme
Noneofitevenmakessenceanymoreitjustdoesntseemtowanttoleaveme
themonsterinsideofmeitseatingmefromtheinsideout
WhatamIgoingtodoaboutit
IcantkillitIloveitbutatthesametimeIknowitwillbemyending
MaybeanendingiswhatIreallyneed.
Imsotiredofbeinginlovewithyou
Idontthinkyoulleverunderstand.

Phone Calls

Hung up
rejected
called again
lost it
break
Please Keep Breaking
please
keep
leaving
me
Because I'm stating to go back to the way I use to be
and no one's ever going to care

Start crying on cue now
I think it's finally time...

Can't Help But Love It.

Oh my, and how could I forget? We have both officially apologized to each other, her words being "I was a jerk" among others. I'm just so glad, it's unbelievable. Today she smiled at me, so I would say things really be getting back to normal(or as close as they will ever be) .

Her nails were painted a dark shade of red, which is totally new, but looked nice on her. She also wore a new pair of Speries(sp?), the first I've ever seen her in. They were blue, red, and a darker blue and red plaid (cute, I must admit). Other new things consisted of her bangs being swooped across her face in a semi-emo sort of fashion(also very... uh... destracting =] ) and a bit more eye make up(dark, as usual).

-So above you have me admitting that I do notice these things about her, and tend to remember them all in detail. I can't help it. Haha, it's just how I function.-

Catch ya later,
lutz,
Amelia

Here We Are

I WILL NEVER BELIEVE YOU.
Because of the way to lie to me
so naturally.
And with the way you no longer
experience
all the life around you
I should consider leaving this all
behind me in the dust
because them maybe someone
would find it
and with it find me

I'll still love your more tomorrow.

I never thought I would stand by and listen to a completely normal conversation about my friend killing them self. I never thought it wouldn't be considered odd for that to take place. I have come to see a new light, in realizing just how fragile human life is.

I've also come to realize that there may be nothing I can do about these occurrences, no matter how hard I try. I have come to believe that this may never change, but simply end. One way or another, such ideas will end. How this end will come to take place I'm never sure.

I'm scared. More scared that I think I have ever been about anything. Every time I see them though, it becomes more obvious that maybe, no matter how horrible and how much it hurts me, this end is what is really needed, or maybe more so what is actually deserved. Isn't it depressing, to think that someone's life could be so horrible, that death may actually be a better option?

Once again, I find myself wanting to spend every second with them. Not because of the same reason as before, but because I'm afraid of how many of those seconds may be left. I do not want them to leave me, or this world, but I know my true passion is that they would be happy. If it is truly impossible for them to gain such happiness, then the only reason for them to suffer in this life would be for those who love them. I do understand that depending on the level of suffering, such love may not be worth living for.

I can only pray that the right decision will be made.

Death will always be a part of life, but so will choice.

Please...
At least promise to consider.

To the inside

Not sure what I should do with you.

She smiled at you today
Why can't I smile back?

No answers anymore

You should WAKE UP!
Because seriously
I can't deal with him without you
(He's killing me.)

My only escape is into you
But I think I've lost my key
Save me from myself
Before they realize what has already happened.