The Child Inside of Me.

I don't want to talk to you anymore. It's the strangest thing though. I'm so use to talking to you that I start to get worried if I don't know you're okay-if I can't hear your voice. I guess it'll be good for me to get use to not having you with me all the time.

"I'm just a phone call away."

I can't believe he was with you. It makes me so angry. You value him so much. You can't help it. I realize that, but I'm so tired of being reasonable. I want to scream at you, endlessly. Really scream so loudly that you become deaf and cry and whine until you lose your voice and beg me or anyone to save you.

"If you don't want to say you're sorry then you don't have to."

I have to make sure you're breathing and happy, always. That feeling, that need, for you to be happy overpowers anything I've ever felt before.

"Just say the word and I'll disappear."

I'm being so immature.
I don't want to be reasonable anymore.
I want to scream and cry everything that runs through my head, and never regret any of it.
I want to jump off a cliff and feel every single drop of blood in my body splatter onto the ground.
I want to feel my bones break under the pressure that's been building up.
And I don't ever want to hear your voice again.
But I haven't lost my mind enough to think that my wants will over come my needs.

Please, don't leave.

_______________

So you want to know the real issue?

I love you to death and back, and I have ever since the first day I saw you. You know that. What you don't know is how much its really effected me that you don't even think I'm beautiful. I taught myself to become numb to my hearts feelings toward you so that I didn't have to face the fact that you were gay everyday. I couldn't deal with the fact that it truly was impossible for you to even want me. I couldn't deal with you, so (after I figured out that I couldn't change you) I slowly began to block it all out. I taught and told myself that I didn't need you. Sometimes I even convinced myself that I didn't want you, that I only stuck around because you needed me.

"You saved me"

So Would You Be Dead If It Wasn't For Me?

And will you miss me when I'm gone?

"I'm falling apart, and I blame you."

~

Christopher was never drowning me, you were.

And I loved you for it.